


Everyday Men: The Misadventures of a Now Mortal  Lucifer and Michael

by MrSpazzziE



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Chuck is God, Depowered Lucifer, Human Lucifer (Supernatural), Human Michael, Hurt Lucifer, Insecure Lucifer, Lucifer (Supernatural) Being an Asshole, Lucifer (Supernatural) is a Bad Influence, Lucifer (Supernatural) is a Little Shit, Lucifer Redemption, Lucifer's Cage, Michael Is So Done, POV Lucifer, POV Lucifer (Supernatural), Protective Lucifer, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2018-12-07 21:54:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 37,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11632680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrSpazzziE/pseuds/MrSpazzziE
Summary: Lucifer and Michael are back to end the world, except something isn't quite right.





	1. New Beginnings

The familiar hallowed ground of Stull Cemetery began to shake like it did on that fate-filled day; the day the apocalypse almost overtook the mortal world of Earth. The crater connecting the human world to

Lucifer’s confiding cage opened once more, with no known reason. Just as fast as they had been drug down, Lucifer and Michael came flying out of their prison, landing flawlessly on their feet, 10 paces from each either.

  
The two near immortal beings stared each other down, eyes lock in the world’s most intense staring contest. Neither archangel dared moved, the pressure of the situation would have crushed any lesser being.

  
“Brother.”

  
Michael, the eldest of God’s angel children was the first to break the silence. He stood in his temporary vessel Adam. As he spoke everything seemed to go completely quiet, as if Mother Earth was herself listening.

  
“It seems father has released us from that damming cage.”

  
“That he has brother. The old man seems to still have a few tricks up his sleeve.”

  
“It seems you have lost your true vessel, Sam. What a shame, killing you in his meat sack would have made it a little easier.”

  
Lucifer looked down at the green grass beneath his feet and gave out a small chuckled. For what was worth, Michael was one of the few things that could actually make him laugh, even during such a deadly situation.

  
“What do you call that vessel? Nick?”

  
“Yes, brother.”

  
Lucifer stretch his arms out wide, showing off and checking out his old vessel.

  
“It seems Father had enough love remaining for me to heal my vessel as well. He had become quite worn and broken over these years.”

  
Lucifer’s gaze returned to his older brother.

  
_How could it have come to this. Why did Father choose these maggots over his most loving children?_

  
If Lucifer had been able, he would have cried.

  
“Brother, I really wish there was another way. Every day I prayed to Father to make everything like it used to be. To fix you and make us a family again, but as you know, once he makes up his mind there is no changing it.”

  
Lucifer nodded to his brother.

  
“I must smite you and bring paradise to this world. That is His will.”

  
Lucifer looked away, shaking his head.

  
“You are a _monster_ Lucifer, but you are still my _brother_. I must do this. Now! Let us end this.”

  
“Let’s.”

  
Lucifer and Michael both tensed up at that moment, more focused than either of them had ever been before. Eyes like daggers focused on each other, waiting to see who would make the first move.

  
The next few moments seemed like a millennial to the two angel brothers. Michael broke the tension by raising his right arm and pointing it at Lucifer.

  
“I’m sorry Luci… Now be gone!”

  
Lucifer braced for the immense force of his brother’s attack. It would surely send him flying and would only be the beginning of a harsh, long battle. A battle that he wasn’t sure he could win.

  
However, nothing happened. Lucifer felt no force push his earthly vessel; he looked peculiarly at Michael. The archangel was just as confused as Lucifer.

  
“What sorcery is this brother?”

  
Michael expression changed from sadness, to anger, to legit fear for the first time in his life. He attempted to conjure his blade but nothing happened. He stood their dumbfounded snapping his fingers like a fool.

  
A sinister smirk overtook Lucifer’s face. He looked at his now powerless brother with relief and pity.

  
“It seems you have lost your grace brother. What an… interesting development.”

  
Michael met Lucifer’s eyes with his own and took a step back.

  
_Lost my grace? How? Why? Father?_

  
“Worry not brother. I have no wish to murder an innocent puppy like yourself. I have too much love and respect for you to do that. But, now that you can’t stop me I have a date with the end of this miserable planet.”

  
Lucifer words were full of venom and anger. He truly couldn’t care less about the meat bags that occupied this world.

  
“Brother, wait…”

  
Before Michael could protest Lucifer spun and believed himself gone. To angels, teleportation was child’s play. They imagined where they would be, closed their eyes, and they were there. It felt like they simplify turned around.

  
_You’ve done it Luci._

  
Lucifer opened his eyes and trees and a field laid before him. He was confused but not too alarmed.

  
"Huh? Seems like my powers are being a little wonky. Must be a side-effect of being freed and all. It matters not. I have all the time in the world to end it, walking is no bother.”

  
Lucifer took a few steps before being stopped by a familiar voice.

  
“Ugh… brother? What are you doing?”

  
Lucifer’s expression changed instantly to one of confusion and anger. He spun around quickly. There stood his brother Michael, in the same place as he was before.

  
“Wha… what? How? How are?”

  
Lucifer was at a loss of words. For the first time, ever.

  
“Uh, you just spun around and started talking to yourself. Were you trying to teleport?”

  
He had tried to teleport, and it failed. Lucifer looked down at his hands and his vision began to blur. A part of him knew what was happening. In a small crevice in the back of his mind the word “Fuck” rang like the bell of a church.

  
“No, no of course not. If I had wanted to teleport I would have.”

  
“Yeah, right.”

  
“This shit is stressing me out, I need a drink.”

  
Lucifer held out his right hand and snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. No delicious drink appeared. He continued to snap his fingers, getting more and more frantic with each snap.

  
Lucifer eventually gave up and stomped his feet, similar to how a child stomps when their parents tell them they can’t have the toy they asked for.

  
“Dad, Dammit!”

  
Lucifer, in his anger and confusion, charged his brother.

  
_If this is what Dad wants I’ll give it to him._

  
Michael tensed himself for Lucifer’s attack, but Lucifer tripped over an exposed tree trunk and fell, tackling Michael in the process.

  
The two brothers laid in the cool grass, dazed and confused.

  
“Brother? What is wrong with us?”

  
Lucifer knew the answer to that question.

  
“We… We…”

  
The ringing bell broke through and rang louder than the voice in his head.

  
_FUCK!_

  
“We are human, brother.”

  
Michael sat up and scratched his head. His faced betrayed what was going on inside his mind.

  
“But… But why would Father do this to us?”

  
“I don’t know Michael. All I know is that we are no more powerful than the common meat suit.”

  
Anger boiled up within Lucifer’s body, he had a new, and strong sensation to vomit, so hard that his soul would come out, if he had one.

  
“What do we do now brother? I do not know much of this world.”

  
“I know too much about this Dad-forsaken place.”

  
Michael stood and helped his brother to his feet. He turned from his brother and looked for the nearest sign of people.

  
“I am going to find out what happened, so we can finish what we started.”

  
Michael took a few steps away from his brother before Lucifer stopped him.

  
“Wait brother. I know we aren’t exactly aren’t on speaking terms at the moment, but I can’t let you go out there alone. You wouldn’t make it a day.”

  
Michael turned to his brother and gave him a harsh look. “And what does that mean?”

  
“Michael, you would go off spouting about being an archangel, son of God, and this crap that, at the moment, you can’t back up. People would think you are a lunatic. They would lock you up in a looney bin and believe me you don’t want to be there.”

  
“I would do no such…”

  
Lucifer placed his hand over his brother’s mouth to quiet him, placing the other hand over his shoulder.

  
“Come on brother, we need to find a place to sleep, something to eat, and some weapons.”

  
Michael gave his little brother a perplexing look. “Sleep? Eat? Those are things humans…”

  
Lucifer gave Michael a “yeah” look. Lucifer and Michael continued to walk towards the closet road. Lucifer looked up to the heavens.

  
“Oh, Daddy almighty give me strength.”

  
“You know Dad can’t hear you Lucifer. Why do you call to him?”

  
Lucifer rolled his eyes so hard he nearly strained himself. “Brother? Do you know what sarcasm means?”

  
Michael thought for a moment. “Sar…casm? Like a giant hole?”

  
Lucifer gave him a half-hearted smile. “You truly are God’s most gifted angel.”

  
Michael gave Lucifer a smile for the first time in a long time. “Thanks brother.”

  
Lucifer turned away from Michael as they continue walking. He mimed his fingers into a gun, placed them in his mouth and pull the trigger.

  
After a few more minutes of painful walking the two brothers reached a road.

  
“Alright brother, now we wait for someone to come along.”

  
“What are we going to do then, Lucifer?”

  
“Simple.”

  
Lucifer gave Michael a simple and enduring smile. “We kill them and steal their car.”

  
“That could work, but you forget we are powerless. What if they are large? Or have guns? Hell, right now an over-sized toothpick could beat us.”

  
The former leader of Hell hadn’t thought of that. “Well, without my powers all I am good for is murdering stuff. Tough to torture without tools.”

  
“I have an idea brother. Listen closely and follow my lead.”

  
The two brothers discussed their plans and Lucifer agreed. They set up their scheme and waited for their victim. After a few minutes a small, yellow smart car came around the bend.

  
“Are you ready brother?”

  
Lucifer nodded and sprang into action. He limped out of the brush, doing his best acting to fool the driver. He stopped in front of the car and waved his hands side to side. “Help.”

  
_Even pretending to get help from humans is humiliating. With my powers, these ants would have been nothing more than a meat smoothie._

  
The small car screeched to a stop.

  
_Seems Michael’s plan has worked._

  
A young couple stepped out of the car, scared and surprised.

  
“You alright dude?”

  
Lucifer really ramped up his acting; he fell to his knees, coughing and grimacing in pain. The small couple rushed over and helped Satan to his feet. They helped him over to the car and let him sit down, driver’s side front seat. Michael looked out from the bush, 10 feet from the car.

  
“Hey man, sit here we are going to call you some help.”

  
“Thank you.” Lucifer meekly muttered, hiding his smile.

  
The young couple took a few steps away from the vehicle. Seeing his chance, Michael crept over and climbed into the passenger side. Lucifer sat up, unharmed and closed the door. The sound of the door closing alerted the couple so they turned and ran back to their car.

  
“Hey, what are you doing? ”

  
Lucifer rolled down his window, stuck his face out and gave a devilish grin. “Sorry, no can do meat sacs. Thanks though.”

  
He shifted the car into drive and sped away, burning as much rubber as a smart car could. The two little meat sacs became dots in the distance then disappeared. They had escaped.

  
Lucifer leaned down and turned on the radio, nearly losing control. “These damn archaic death traps are a bitch to handle.”

  
He looked over at his brother and noticed his brother’s hands trembling.

  
“Brother? What is wrong with me?”

  
Lucifer thought for a moment. “Well, we just stole a car so you are probably being flooded with adrenaline. It’s this thing humans feel when they get really excited like during sex or when their favorite sports team wins.”

  
Michael nods.

  
“You know a lot about the supernatural, combat, and strategy brother. You know jack-shit about humans though.”

  
“I never had a reason. Father commanded I love them as I loved him. That was reason enough. Plus, I’ve only been on Earth for a few days.” Michael looks at his brother with a confusing look. “How do you know so much?”

  
Lucifer’s expression shifted to one of anger and jealously. “You may have loved them blindly but that doesn’t mean I hate them blindly. I’ve studied them for years. It helps me reassure my thoughts of them being worthless failed abortions.” Lucifer expression changes back to one of ease; he gives his brother a big smile. “Plus, it helps to know about them when you are torturing them.”

  
The two brothers sat in silence, an air of awkwardness and tension filled the car. They hadn’t spoken in many years, and they left on not so good terms. They weren’t even sure if they truly even knew each other anymore.

  
Lucifer continued to drive, unsure of where he was going. He knew that if this had anything to do with his father that there would be some kind of sign. If he wanted to end the world and reclaim what was his he would have to follow for now.

  
His thoughts were interrupted by his brother’s screams. Lucifer turned to his brother. “Michael, what the fuck is wrong?”

  
Michael was squirming in his seat, rubbing and patting his face with his hands. “Brother! Look! What magic is this?! I am melting!”

  
Lucifer slammed on the brakes and brought the little car to a stop. He grabbed his brother’s hands and moved them out of the way, so he could look at him. On Michael’s face, a few small beads of sweat dripped down his cheek. A few more were on his forehead.

  
“For Dad’s sake brother, you aren’t melting.”

  
Michael calmed down slightly, more confused than scared. “I’m not?”

  
“No brother. You are sweating. That isn’t your skin it’s just sweat.”

  
“Sweat?”

  
Lucifer huffed. “Look, when humans get hot they sweat. You wouldn’t know this being an angel your whole life.”

  
Michael looked embarrassed but relieved. “Sweat. I am sweating, not melting, just sweat.”

  
He breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  
“Yeah, humans do all kind of gross things.”

  
“Really? Like what?”

  
Lucifer gave his brother a tired look. “Brother if I am going to explain to you all the fucked-up shit that humans do, I am going to need a whole counties worth of alcohol.

  
A small sign appears of the hill in front of them: **Nick and Nino’s Pub, 10 miles**

  
“That’s what I am talking about.” Lucifer sped up, nearing 66 miles an hour.

  
“Save your questions until I get some alcohol in me. Then I promise to tell you all about humans.”

  
Michael nods.

  
“Now, you look tired. Which is weird seeing as, you know, we never used to have to sleep.” Lucifer’s words were as sharp as his eyes. “Why don’t you take a quick nap? I’ll wake you when we get there.”

  
Michael slumped over and passed out cold.

  
Lucifer continued on his way to the pub.

  
_8 miles to go baby._

  
He looked over at his snoring brother, dead to the world.

  
_Silence finally. I never thought that stupid asshole would shut the fuck up._

  
Lucifer looked back at the road just in time spot a deer right in front of them.

  
He muttered loudly under his breath. “Fuck.”

  
He swerved and barely missed the deer, nearly crashing their new ride. Michael laid fast asleep beside him.

  
_This dick probably would have slept through the apocalypse._


	2. Angels Say the Darndest Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Lucifer attempt to adjust to being human. Michael has a lot of question, but he might not like the answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You: See's I've posted Chapter 2  
> Me: Here have some garbage
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

“Wake up brother.”

Michael’s right hand smacked against the passenger side window. He was awake, and he didn’t like it.

“Ugh… what year is it?”

“Uh, let’s see.” Lucifer turned and started digging through the back seat. “Says here it’s the year 2012.”

  
“2012? Been a few years then.”

  
“Yeah, seems like everybody was freaking about the world ending. Some Mayan calendar bullshit or something.”

  
_If only they knew, the little worms._

  
“Says on that sign there that this bar has the best whiskey in all of Kansas.”

  
“Good. I feel like I could drink a whole state’s worth of booze.”

  
“Hey now, save some for me.”

  
Lucifer swung his door open with great force; he definitely needed a drink, or 20. However, before he could get out of his seat he heard a low pitch rumbling coming from beside him. He turned and saw his brother clutching his stomach, a look of bewilderment on his face.

  
“Damn man, you sound like you haven’t eaten in let’s say, 13.8 billion years. Give or take a lifetime.”

  
“Yeah, I’m so hungry I could fuck a horse.”

  
“…”

  
“What?”

  
“The expression is ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’”

  
“You sure? I could swear I heard something about fucking a horse.”

  
“Michael, we aren’t fucking any horses. I’m the Devil, not some backwoods fuckstick. Let’s hit up this diner."

  
Michael looked confused but agreed. He was still pretty new to being human.

  
“Just let me order for you, horse-fucker.”

  
Michael and Lucifer exited their new wheels. They made there way across the parking lot and into the diner, making an effort to avoid any contact with any of the ‘locals’. Lucifer pointed to the counter and told Michael to take a seat.

  
“I’m gonna take a leak. Don’t say or do anything.”

  
“What do I do if someone tries to talk to me?”

  
Lucifer sighed, “Just act dumb or something. Hell, start rambling some gibberish, that will make them leave you alone.”

  
“Right, just hurry back.”

  
Lucifer went to restroom, leaving Michael to fend for himself. One hell-sized piss later Lucifer washed his hands.

  
I wonder how old Mickey is doing? Hope he hasn’t burned the place down yet.

  
Lucifer opened the door and found Michael spinning in his chair, spouting nonsense with sugar all over his face.

  
“Woo gooba doo scooba woob.”

  
Lucifer momentarily thought about leaving his brother and never returning, but decided to sit down beside him. He grabbed his brother on the shoulder, spun him towards him, and smacked him hard across the face.

  
Lucifer whispered, “What do you think you are doing exactly? I left you alone for five minutes and you are going nuts.”

  
“This white stuff tastes really good.”

  
Michael gave his brother an honest look of happiness and glee, the first he had shown since being freed from hell. Lucifer sighed and hugged his brother, squeezing him extra tight.

  
Still whispering, “I want to go clean that shit off your face and come right back. If you don’t I’m not buying you any food.”

  
Michael snapped out of his sugar coma and obliged his brother. He returned sugar free and calm; he sat down beside his brother and attempted to make small talk.

  
“So, nice bathroom they got in there, no piss or shit on the walls at all.”

  
The people around them were beginning to stare, confused and shocked at Michael’s lack of chill. Just as Lucifer was about to lay the smack down on his brother for being so stupid a young, brunette waitress approached them.

  
“What can I get for you two”, she paused and gave Michael the eye daggers, “ **gentlemen**?”

  
Michael began to open his mouth but Lucifer covered it and spoke. “We will have two coffees, black, and today’s special, **please**. A little bit of venom leaked from his lips.

  
_Humans were always such fickle creatures._

  
“Alright, that’s two coffees and two roast beef sandwiches.”

  
Lucifer gave a half smile and nod.

  
_I could always appreciate the feisty ones. Made it more fun when I was tormenting their souls._

  
“Anything else I can get you two?”

  
Lucifer and Michael both shook their heads no. It seems Michael has finally calmed down.

  
“Alright, I will have it out in just a few minutes.”

  
Lucifer and Michael sat awkwardly in the seats. They had practically nothing to say to each other, and even less to the people around them. Lucifer tapped his fingers on the counter.

  
_If I only had a fraction of my power, I could turn all these bitches into blood pudding._

  
The waitress returned and gave them their food. Lucifer grabbed a near-by napkin and placed it in his lap. If he was going to be human, he might as well be classy. Michael had no such manners. He aggressively grabbed his sandwich and attempted to force the entire thing in his mouth. Impressively, he managed to get half of it in before he decided to bite down. His face was washed over with pleasure.

  
“Thisgh shgoite iz fukening aweso…”

  
Before he could spew any more words, or food, out of his mouth he began to choke.

  
“Mickey, you fucking idiot, you have to chew.” Lucifer gave his brother a hard smack on the back. He harshly swallowed his giant bite and began to breath again.

  
“What the fuck was that Luci?”

  
Lucifer leaned in and whispered, “We’re mortal now. That means we have to breath and shit. I know it sucks but you can’t just go around floating through space or the bottom of the ocean. You’ll end up a bloated corpse.”

  
Michael shook his head like he understood. Lucifer wasn’t so sure. Lucifer finished his sandwich in several bites, savoring his new-found taste buds. Michael finished his in three. They finished their meal and drank their coffee, now cool enough for their gentle palettes.

  
“Alright, I feel ready for drink now. What do you say Mickey?”

  
“Yeah, being a human fucking sucks. Sweating, eating, choking. If drinking is as nice as you say, I’m down.”

  
They paid for their meal, courtesy of the lovely couple that let them borrow their car, and left.

  
“As long as you don’t tell me alcohol kills humans too.”

  
Lucifer chuckled, “Of course not. Most of them die from gunshot wounds or car accidents.”

  
As Lucifer neared the entrance he begins to survey his surroundings.

  
_What a dingy shit hole in the wall this place is. Oh well, it will do._

  
They busted through the door and took a seat at the bar. Lucifer ordered them a couple of beers and the two fallen angels attempted to make small talk.

  
“So ugh, how’s heaven been?”

  
Michael heard Lucifer but doesn’t know how to respond. How would he tell him that angels have been killing each other and their father was still missing?

  
“Well, for a lack of a better term, all hell’s broken loose.”

  
“Hah, that’s a nice one. I’m actually proud of you, you idiot.”

  
Lucifer attempted to high-five his brother but he just awkwardly grabbed it and placed it back on the counter.

  
“Angels are killing angels, everyone is distrusting of each other. It’s just like when you left.”

  
“Hey man, I didn’t leave. You kicked my ass out the door.”

  
“Fair enough.”

  
They sat in silence until their beers arrived. Lucifer attempted to teach his brother how to ‘cheers’ but all he did was make a mess.

  
Lucifer took a swig of his cheap beer and spoke. “Hells alright. I mean, from what I could tell from my little cage.”

  
Michael downed the rest of his beer. “I’ve heard the demons have been quite busy, releasing you and all.”

  
Lucifer was taken aback from Michael nonchalant nature. “One beer in and you are already tiptoeing near blasphemy.”

  
Michael chuckled, the alcohol was truly hitting him. “Brother, what do you mean?”

  
“Our fight was going to be the stuff of legends. My return was foretold in prophecy, the end of the world.

  
“Yeah, our fight was going to be so dope.”

  
“Dope?” Lucifer was honestly offended. “Our fight was going to be dope? That’s what you have to say?”

  
“Yep.”

  
Lucifer smiled once more. There was something about his older brother; even when he was being a total ass he could make him laugh. He rubbed the back of his head and took another drink.

  
“Yeah, our fight would have been pretty dope.”

  
Michael didn’t respond, he sat motionless, starring off into the corner.

  
“Mickey?” Lucifer waved his hands in front of Michael’s face but he didn’t seem to notice. He followed his brother’s eyes to what he was focused on. In the corner sat a young blond woman, mid-20s. She was talking to a friend and drinking some fruity drink.

  
Lucifer chuckled calmly to himself. “Looks like you have a little crush.”

  
Michael’s gaze broke and he gave his brother a concerned look, “Crush? No, I don’t wish to crush her, she is beautiful.”

  
“If you are crushing on someone it means you like them.”

  
Michael sat in silence for a few moments, “Oooohhhhh. OK, yes I like her she is beautiful. She is the most beautiful thing in all of Dad’s creation. I am going to go to talk to her. I need to. No, I have to.”

  
Michael stood up quickly but Lucifer grabbed his arm. “Hold your horses man, you aren’t ready yet. You should just try talking to regular people first.”

  
“Horses? I thought we agreed not to bring up horses again. You said…”

  
Lucifer put his hand over his brother’s mouth and put his other hand on his shoulder, putting him back in his seat. “Mickey, could you shut up for a second.”

  
Lucifer collected himself and spoke, “Let’s just relax this night, just the two of us. We will start asking around tomorrow. For now,” Lucifer turned his head and gave his brother a half-hearted smile, “keep it in your pants.” He patted his brother’s leg and ordered them two more drinks.

  
The two brothers drank for the next 45 minutes, making idle chit chat with each other. Michael had many questions.

  
“So, brother, what was it like?”

  
“Li” -hic- “ke?” The alcohol was starting to affect him.

  
“You know.”

  
“No, I don’t brother, spit it out.”

  
Michael nervously looked around trying to ignore the frustration in his brother’s voice. “What was it like being ruler of Hell?”

  
“It was Hell.” With that stupid comment, Lucifer broke down and began to cackle. He leaned over his seat and just let it go, laughing harder than ever before.

  
“Oh, come on man. What kind of answer is that? What was it really like?”

  
Lucifer regained his composure, just barely. “Well, if you must know it was fun sometimes, a lot of work, and awful too. Like any other job really. I mean, I hate humans more than anything; I love taking all of the happiness out of their eyes. Destroying and rebuilding them. Stripping them off what made them human and using them to do the same thing I did to them. Almost poetic, isn’t it?”

  
“More psychotic.” Michael looked deeply into his brother’s eyes, seeing all the hatred and pain they hid. “I don’t know how you did it Luci. To be fueled by pain, bitterness, and anger for so long.”

  
Lucifer paid him no attention, instead he drank. “I don’t remember asking your opinion, Daddy’s boy.”

  
Michael looked honestly hurt; Lucifer’s anger for humanity had spread. He seemed to hate his family and himself almost as much.

  
Lucifer saw that his brother had stopped drinking and that he was just starring at his shoes, “Hey, Mickey. I’m sorry; I hate humanity, not you and Dad. If I am going to get through this I am going to need you.”  
Michael’s eyes swelled up and he aggressively grabbed and hugged his brother, squeezing him too tight and for slightly too long.

  
_The booze really must be getting to him. Hope he doesn’t hurl everywhere. I don’t look forward to explaining vomit to a person vomiting._

  
Lucifer hugged his brother back. He pulled out the card he had been using and placed it on the counter.

  
“How have we been paying for things anyhow, Luci?”

  
He flashed the ID of one Mr. Boneswright. “Courtesy of this fellow right here”, he gave a devilish smile. “Sometimes I think our Father hated us, then I see someone named Dick Boneswright. His parents must have hated his guts, poor bastard.” Satan giggled and slapped his brother on the arm.

  
“Alright let’s ditch this joint; you need to get some real sleep.”

  
The two brothers left and took off down the road, in search of the closet motel. After a few minutes of driving they found one seedy enough but not too seedy. Lucifer pulled the car in and went to get a room. He returned moments later.

  
“Room 13, first floor down to the left.”

  
They entered their room and took a load off. They had nothing, besides the clothes on their backs.

  
“Tomorrow we are going to get some new digs, right after breakfast. We have to be fast; no telling when dick-face will cancel this card.”

  
Lucifer flipped the TV on and turned to channel six, the local weather and news. They sat there and watched for a few minutes. As new concepts came up Lucifer would do his best to explain.

  
“So, people go down to car lots and buy junky cars for sketchy bald guys for ridiculous places?”

  
“Yeah, that’s about right.”

  
“People are stupid.”

  
“You know you aren’t wrong Mickey.”

  
After a few more minutes of TV and Michael’s questions Lucifer began to get antsy.

  
“I may not be able to eviscerate people with a thought, but I can still be as annoying as possible. I think I am going to pick up smoking, smoke in as many public places as I can, and be really indecisive when choosing which brand I want, so I can keep as many people waiting as possible.”

  
“Sounds like a plan, don’t get arrested or anything please.”

  
Lucifer laughed at his brother’s remark, “I won’t Mickey, what would happen to you if I got taken away? If anyone messes with me I’ll **deal** with them.

  
“And by **deal** you mean slit their throats.”

  
“Of course.”

  
“Alright, just don’t be too long, I’m feeling pretty tired. I don’t want to wait up for you.”

  
“Yeah, yeah I here you. You need anything while I’m out?”

  
“Nah, I’m good. Have fun.”

  
“See ya Mickey.”

  
_Peace and quiet at last._

  
Lucifer walked the streets for a few minutes before finding a convenience store.

  
He took far too long picking out which cigarettes he wanted. He was almost stopped when he failed to produce an id but he came up with a sob story involving his little daughter. The cashier folded faster than a lawn chair. Lucifer always enjoyed manipulating being, especially when it involved fabricating loved ones. Creating them, using them, and destroying them was almost as good as the real thing. He left and immediately began smoking, as loud and boisterous as he could. He would walk right through groups of people and just blow smoke all over them, each time was more pleasing than the last. When people began to take offense, and tried to fight back he would just stare them down, coupled with his creepy smile. Even though he was no longer truly the devil, he still knew how to scare people.

  
After he had his fill of being an annoying little shit he went back to his room. He opened the door without knocking and yelled in, “Hey Mickey, you should have seen…”

  
His brother was sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes glued to the TV. A mixture of male and female moans, grunts, and slaps radiated from the it.

  
“What the hell are you watching?” Lucifer walked over to his brother and flipped off the TV. “Are you watching smut?” Lucifer didn’t know if he should be weirded out or proud of his brother.

  
“Brother, she called him Daddy. If he was her father why would he spank her bottom? Was she being naughty? Why was his penis out? It looked funny…”

  
Lucifer, once again, put his hands around Michael’s mouth to silence him . As he did his other hand slid across his pants.

  
_No. That better not be… NO!_

Lucifer jumped back from his brother in disgust. “Dad dammit man are you fucking hard?”

  
“Hard? I’m just as soft and flabby as I have always been.”

  
“Oh geez.” Lucifer sat beside his brother. “Listen here Mickey, cause I’m only going to tell you this once.”

  
“Yes.” Michael leaned close to his brother’s face, too close.

  
“Back up man.”

  
Michael leaned back.

  
“You were watching porn. Two people having sex. Now sex is something two people do when they love each other, are bored, need money, drugs, are trying to get back at someone, are trying to hurt someone, or for a number of other dumb reasons.”

  
Michael nodded, fanning understanding.

  
“You put your penis…”

  
Michael latched onto his dick, “This?”

  
Lucifer grabbed his brother and moved his hand off his member, “Uh, yes, that thing. You put it into whatever wants it and have fun.”

  
“Oh. OK. Like the horse.”

  
“NO! Just about anything, but not a fucking horse.”

  
“Ah, I see.”

  
“We will worry about getting you laid later though. For now, we need to figure out why we are wingless. Step one of that is getting some sleep. So, no more questions, no more porn, no more touching your dick for the night. OK?”

  
“Yeah, sure.”

  
With that the two brothers got into their beds, turned off the lights, and attempted to sleep.  
Michael turned in his bed for a few minutes while Lucifer dozed off. After a few more moments he couldn’t take it any longer.

  
“Can other people put their penis in you?”

  
Lucifer turned over and glared at his brother. “Michael, for the love of our Dad, shut the fuck up.” He flipped back over and held the pillow over his head, and fell asleep.  
Michael turned over and drifted off.

  
_I really should have left his stupid ass back in the cemetery._


	3. Suit Makes the Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two brothers attempt to fit in while searching for their siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooh wee here comes chapter 3. Sorry it took so long. I might be garbage, but I am busy garbage.

    Lucifer woke up at roughly 6 am; he could tell because the numbers ‘6:00’ were right in his face. He was surprised he got to sleep at all after the day that he and his brother had yesterday.

_Being human sucks._

    He turned over in and bed and noticed his brother hadn’t moved since he fell asleep. He was still unconscious, snoring as loud as a small lawnmower.

     _Surprise I got any sleep at all with this asshole in the same room._

He reluctantly sat up and got out of bed, making sure to make only a moderate amount of noise, enough noise to annoy his brother but not enough to make him get all the way up.

     He stumbled his way to the bathroom and shut the door. He stripped his vessel and peered into the mirror.

      _Huh, not bad._

     Lucifer started his shower and stepped in; contrary to popular belief, he enjoyed cold showers. He lathered himself in the complementary soap and began humming ‘Highway to Hell’. He had heard it recently on the radio, and he enjoyed word play.

     “Highway to Hell!”, Lucifer played air guitar, and sang all the parts, “Ba ba, Highway to Hell!”

      He rinsed off and dried himself; he slipped his weathered close back on looked at himself in the mirror.

       _Satan, you are a good-looking guy._

He looked down and his clothes and sighed, “I really need some new digs.”

       He ran his hands through his hair vigorously and went to leave the bathroom. As he opened the door his brother fell forward, falling into his arms.

       Michael looked up at his brother with an innocent smile. “Hey there Luci.”

       Lucifer let his brother go and he fell face first on the ground, narrowly catching himself before he smashed his nose. Lucifer took two steps out of the bathroom before Michael could get to his face and compose himself.

       “I heard you singing Luci.”

       Lucifer stopped and turned to his brother. “Yeah?”

       “You sound really good.”

        “…”

        Lucifer turned from his brother and continued to get ready. He turned to hide how red his face was. No one had ever caught him singing before, not even his father.

         _What do I do?_

Lucifer slipped his shoes on as his brother came towards him. Michael opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

        “I swear to Dad if you say I sing like an angel I will slap you.”

         Michael stopped and a slight smile crept across his face. He knew that he had gotten to his brother, for once.

        “Stop you smirking and get ready, we are heading out for breakfast.”

         Michael attempted to comb his hair down, slipped his pants on, and threw his shoes on. The two former angels stepped out and walked towards the local Dennys.

         Michael winced as he stepped out into the sun, it seemed brighter than he remembered.

         “What’s the matter brother?”

         “Ugh, I don’t know. My eyes and head hurt. I feel like I’m dying.

         “You are hungover Mickey.”

         “Hungover?”

         “When you drink too much booze you get hungover. I doubt you have ever had that much before and being human lowers your tolerance.”

         “Being human sucks.”

          _That it does brother. That is does._

          After a few painful minutes the two arrived at the Dennys.

          The joyous aroma of bacon and eggs hit the two former Angel’s noses.

         “What is that wonderful smell?”

         “That, brother, is the mixture of capitalism and breakfast.”

          “It’s amazing.”

         “That it is brother, that it is.”

          The two early risers were led to a table by their waiter. They sat across from each other, to admire each other’s eyes, and both order orange juice.

          Lucifer grabbed the newspaper sitting on the table entitled, “Weston MO News”, and began to read it. After a few minutes, he flipped the paper around and placed it on the table.

         “Look at this.”

          Michael read the words that Lucifer pointed out.

          “Local authorities baffled at recent string of murders. Victims found with their insides severely burnt. Authorities believe a new experimental street drug is the cause.”

          “Sound familiar?”

          Michael looked up from the newspaper and looked at his brother. 

          “Angels!”

          “Bingo.”      

           Michael stood up aggressively and slammed his hands down on the table.

          “We have to move brother. We need to find out what’s going on. We must find the Angels.”

           Lucifer felt a figure next to them and looked to his right. Their waiter was holding their food and had a terrified look on his face.

          Michael turned and put his hands to his side.

          “Uh… um…”

          “My brother had a little too much to drink last night so he is a little hungover. Don’t mind him.”

          The waiter gave them both a “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit” look and placed their food on the table.

          “Riiigghhhtttt.”

          The waiter slowly back away from the them and hurried to the back room. Lucifer could already feel his head hurting, and he hadn’t had that much to drink.

          Michael took his seat and grabbed a piece of bacon off the plate. He bit down into the delicious meat and his face lit up, like the fires of hell. He inhaled the rest of the piece and exclaimed loudly, “HOLY FUCK THAT’S BETTER THAN THE PORNAGRAPHY WE WATCHED LAST NIGHT!!!”

         The entire Denny’s went silent; the other patrons stopped eating and just stared at them. Lucifer could feel his new human heart beating loudly.

         He poorly attempted to defuse the situation but failed miserably.

         “Oh, we weren’t watching it together. We’re brothers you see and…”

          He could feel he was just making the situation worse.

           _I feel like I am just making this worse._

          He reached over and grabbed his brother by the collar and yanked hard.

          “Listen here Michael, I’m gonna need you to eat you breakfast, and for the rest of the time we are here, SHUT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK UP!”

          Michael passively nodded and ate the rest of his food in silence. Every time he tried to make conversation Lucifer would just give him the stink eye. The two brothers paid their bill, with a horrible tip, and left the Dennys.

          Once they were situated back in their car Lucifer spoke.

         “Michael.”

         Michael looked at his brother.

        “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. This whole being human thing has been hard for me. Seeing as I hate the little pest more than Dad loves them. I’ll try my best to keep my cool in the future but you gotta stop with all this weird shit. We are humans so start acting like it.”

        “Sorry brother, I won’t bring up our porn adventure again.”

        “…Thanks…”

       “Before we head off towards the other angels we are going to need some stuff. More clothes, maybe some other supplies. Definitely stuff.  Let’s ride around and see if we can find any decent stores.”

        The two brothers drove away from the Dennys, hopefully for the first and last time.

        After a few minutes of driving, and Lucifer instructed Michael about what subjects should be public, and which should be private, they came to a red light.

       “Not much seems to be in this town Mickey, we might need to head to the next one.

       Michael pointed to a shop and said, “What about there?”

       Lucifer turned and looked and felt a shiver run down his spine. Not one of fear or danger but of complete disgust. 

      “Goodwill.”

       _Dad Dammit I hate these places. Always so helpful, nice, and Christian like. What a bunch of bitches._

“I guess that will do.”

     The pulled into the parking lot, got out of their car, and entered the store. A semi-bright white light hit their eyes and a song from the “Billboards Top 40” assaulted their ears. Lucifer had a look of pure malice on his face.

    “Alright Mickey, get yourself some clothes and grab anything that looks like it could be useful and meet back up here in 10 minutes.”

    The two-brother split up and did their shopping. After grabbing a few flannels and pairs of jeans Lucifer made his way over to the book section.

     _Oh, what do we have here?”_

Lucifer kneeled and picked up a book entitled, “Five Easy Steps to Keeping the Devil Out of Your Home” by Jannette Barely.

      _Well, let’s see what you got Jannette._

Satan himself leafed through the book but was unimpressed.

     _What a load of horse cock. All this book talks about is ‘Be kind to your elders’ and ‘Help pray the gay away at your church today’. I don’t care if any of you are gay; I hate all you fucks._

Lucifer threw the book down in disgust and went back to the front of the store to meet his brother. There was only one problem, he wasn’t there.

     _Oh, fuck where is he now?_

Lucifer walked all throughout the men’s clothes section but saw no sign of his brother. He continued past the books into the knick-knack section and found his brother playing with a small angel statue.

    “Look Luci, its me.”

     Lucifer took the small angel from his brother and looked it over. Along the bottom was the name “Michael”.

     He gave the statue back to his brother and said, “It’s almost you Mickey. Just one detail is wrong.”

    “What is it?”

    “They made the penis too big.” Lucifer slapped his knee and gave out a mighty laugh.

     Michael was pissy and stormed off, “You’re such a dick.”

     Lucifer followed his brother towards the front of the store shouting, “Well, yeah. I am literally Satan.”

     The two brothers waited in line until it was their turn. They place their clothes on the counter.

    “Did you find everything alright?”

     “Yeah, yeah….”

     Lucifer drifted off, he really doesn’t like people.

    “Alright, that will be 25.75”

    Lucifer took “his” credit card out of “his” wallet and gave it to the cashier. She swiped it and handed it back to his.

    “No receipt necessary, thank you.”

    Before he could take his bags, the cashier said, “Uh, I’m sorry sir but your card was declined.”

    Frustrated, Lucifer handed it back to her and she tried again, and again, and again. Each time it was declined.

   “Is there any other way you would like to pay today?”

   Lucifer was at a loss for words.

    _Dick must have cancelled his card._

Right as Lucifer was about to try and weasel his way out of paying, Michael leaned in and whispered into his ear, “I got this brother.”

   Taken aback all he could say was, “Alright,”

   With a confidence never before seen, Michael strutted up to the lady and leaned against the counter.

   “How about in exchange for these clothes I give you the best penising of your short life.” Michael had a smile on his face so suave and wide that it was borderline creepy.

   The cashier looked at Lucifer, his mouth was agape and he couldn’t say a word. She looked back at Michael and broke, bursting out into laughter and doubling over. Michael didn’t break from his pose, he was determined to seal the deal.

   After a few minutes of laughing, the cashier regained her composure and waved Lucifer over. She leaned in and whispered, “Is your brother a little _special_?”

   Lucifer just quietly nodded his head. She looked back at Michael and said, “I’m sorry sir but “penising” isn’t legal tender in the United States. How about you two help me hang up this big pile of clothes and we call it even.”

  They agreed and both took about half of the pile. They made their way through the aisles, and slowly hung up the clothes. Lucifer finished his half but couldn’t find Michael. He walked back to the front but the girl wasn’t anywhere to be found. He looked and looked and eventually heard a strange noise coming from behind the counter. He looked and found his brother laughed and on someone’s laptop.

  Lucifer leaned over and said, “What you looking at Mickey?”

  Michael slammed the laptop closed, “Uh nothing.”

  “Huh. Looked like you had searched “Big Girl Butt Smut.”

  Michael was red but didn’t say anything.

  “Looks like the bitch is gone, let’s get out of here before she gets back.”        

  Michael jumped up and the brothers snuck out the front. The jumped into their car and took off towards their next destination, Weston Missouri.

  “Hey Luci.”

  “Yeah?”

  “What did the lady say to you after I ‘put the moves’ on her?”

  “She asked me if you were _special_.”

 “What did you say?”

  “I told her you are _special_.”

  “Aw thanks Luci. Am I really special?”

  “You sure are Mickey, you sure are.”


	4. Can't Be That Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luci and Mickey are hot on the tail of a couple angels. So many questions still need answers. Why are the angels being such assholes, who brought them back, and most importantly why were they mortal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY EARLY CHRISTMAS MOTHER FUCKERS HERE'S SOME GABAGE. Hope you enjoy, sorry it took so long. I promise I will write faster.

Lucifer pulled up to what could only be described as a “dive” bar.  

“Wake up, Mr. Penis. We are just about here.”

Michael sprung up in his seat. He rubbed his eyes and looked over at his brother.

“Mr. Penis?”

Lucifer chuckled, “Until you learn to talk to women, you will be known as Mr. Penis. Since that’s all you seem think talk about.”

Michael huffed like a small child. “But Luci, if you call me that people won’t talk to us.”

“In public, I will call you Mr. P.”

Michael gave his brother a sour look but he knew it had already stuck. When Lucifer came up with a nickname, he stuck with it.

“Now, quit pouting, Mr. P. The assface whose wallet we stole cancelled his cards. We need to make some money.”

“What do you suggest we do?” Michael asked, annoyed at his new title.

“We are going to hustle pool, Mr. P.”

“GOD DAMMIT, LUCIFER! STOP CALLING ME THAT!”

“Now, now, Mr. P, Dad wouldn’t like it if he heard you talking like that. I am going to go in this shit-stain of a bar and make us some money. I’ll play these stinky meat-bags like I used to play my golden fiddle back in the day.”

“Oh, I see. You will channel your inner Dean Winchester and essentially lie and steal money for us.”

“Yeah, I hate to admit it but ole’ Weenie Whinefester has a couple of decent ideas occasionally.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard. You both are daddy issues incarnate.”

“Shut up, Senior Pene. You just sit here looking pretty and I will be back with our cash.”

Lucifer exited “his” vehicle and entered the bar. He hated to admit it but his brother wasn’t wrong.

_Let’s see, who will be my victim? Hmm, no not him. He looks like he might actually stab someone if he loses. I’d rather not murder an entire bar of people. Blood is hard to get out of clothes. No… not him, too poor. Ah here we go._

Lucifer looked towards a table of young 20 something college students.

_Oh daddy’s allowance, plenty of cash for cheap beer, cheaper women. Arrogant enough for me to really play and not quite stupid enough to actually try and fight me._

Lucifer did he best “every weekend as a Winchester” impression and stumbled up to the table.

“Heeyya, felllas. Got room for one more?”

He was acting so well that he actually almost lost his footing and fell.

The douchiest-looking one step up and said, “yeah sure man. If you got 15 bucks you can play.”

“Awww, shiiiittt. I only got 10 bucks cash, fellas. How ‘bout if I lose I’ll buy you all a round with my card?”

“Alright, man. Whatever you say.”

They racked up and began play. Lucifer consistently whiffed, and overall played as well as his brother probably would have sober. After a short game, he had lost completely.

“Alright fellllaass,” he slurred, throwing in a hiccup for effect. “You got me that time. Let’s go again, double or nothing.”

“You don’t have any more cash, old man.”

Lucifer felt a slight twinge of rage register in his throat.

_Old Man? Old Man?! OLD MAN?! This vessel is barely 35. Alright, that’s it, win or not, I am filleting these asshats._

Lucifer composed himself and said, “How ‘bout if I lose I buy you guys shots for the rest of the night?”

“Now you are talking, old man. Let’s play.”

Lucifer smirked, drunk façade fading.

“Let me rack up.”

Lucifer stepped up to end of the table and broke, sending the balls flying all over the table. He patiently worked his way around the table, sinking ball after ball. Each time a ball dropped, he turned and gave the boys a wink. After a few minutes, he had won.

“Alright boys, pay up.”

Two of the boys reluctantly handed him their money, but the third resisted.

“Hey man, you played us. This is bullshit. Let’s take this outside.”

Lucifer in one swoop motion jumped towards him and nailed him hard in the stomach with a fist, knocking the wind out of the. Though he was no angel, he was no pushover.

The man fell to one knee, struggling to breath. His friends glanced over with fear. Lucifer kneeled with him and began speaking into his ear.

“Listen _boy_ , if you say one more word I will drag you out of this bar by your tiny testicles, skin you alive, find out where your family lives, wear your skin like a shitty suit and literally skin your entire remaining bloodline alive with a dull, rusty razor blade. Now I suggest you hand me _my_ money and take your bitch ass home.”

The man threw the money at him and ran away, tears running down his face.

Lucifer stood and dusted himself off, the entire bar was looking at him.

_Best I get out of here._

Lucifer strolled out the bar feeling pleased. He was 120 dollars richer and he scared the piss out someone. Can’t get much better than that at the moment. He walked up to the car and opened the door to share the news with his brother.

“Hey, Mr. P, look at what…”

Michael was sitting in the passenger seat, his erect penis in hand.

“Hello brother…”

Lucifer sprung back and covered his eyes.

“Michael what in THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“You were in there a while. I got bored.”

“Put it away, put your dick away now, or I will cut it off.”

“Ok. Ok. I will put it away.”

Michael placed his still erect penis back into his pants, zipping them up.

“Well, I won us some money while you were busy in here being ‘bored.’”

“Oh, that’s great, Luci.”

“Yeah it should be enough for us to get a crappy motel for a few days.”

“Good.”

Lucifer still hadn’t looked over at his brother. He couldn’t. Lucifer started the car and left the bar. They had about 10 more miles before they reached their destination. After a few awkward minutes, he looked over to his brother and spoke.

“You didn’t… uh…You didn’t… you know.”

Michael looked at his brother for a few moments, confused. Lucifer performed some “sploodge” hand motions and Michael finally spoke.

“Uh, well, I mean…”

“That’s it. When we get to our motel, I am burning this entire car and we are stealing a new one.”

“Oh, brother, I don’t think…”

“You are lucky I don’t just poor acid directly into my eyes. Of course, that wouldn’t do me any good, because I can still see it in my mind. Have to drink more alcohol than all of Ireland to forget this.”

            Michael started to speak, but he could see that his brother wasn’t in the mood. They both sat in silence until they reached the first motel in sight.

_Mr. Dick Tugger always finds a way to fuck with me._

The brothers stepped out of their car. In front of them was one of the dirtiest-looking motels in the United States.

“Wow, what an absolute shithole. This place almost gives Hell a run for its money.”

“Yeah, it looks shady.”

“It is actually kind of impressive that humans managed to make something this shitty. Creating something this bad takes deliberate effort.”

“You should feel right at home then.”

They entered the office near the front of the motel.

“One room please, good sir.”

Lucifer had become so adept at sarcasm that he almost sounded sincere.

“15 bucks. No breakfast. If anything breaks, too bad. If you are going to die, go across the street. One of our maids is out sick.”

“Perfect.”

Lucifer took the keys from the lumpy-headed fellow and they made their way to their new temporary home: Room 6.

Lucifer opened the door and stepped inside.

“Fuck, it really does smell like Hell in here. Rotten eggs and human suffering.”

Michael doubled over and began coughing heavily. He stumbled to the edge of the room and opened a window. After a few seconds, he seemed to regain his strength, wandering back over to and sitting on the bed.

“Stop that, Mr. P. If you open up the windows you will let all the delightful agony of this room out. This place is evil. So delicious.”

Lucifer took in a deep breath and sighed. He was almost salivating at the residual torment left over from the previous tragedies that took place here.

“Mr. P? I thought you would have forgotten.”

Lucifer briefly snapped, “FORGET? FORGET? HOW COULD I FORGET WHEN I WALKED IN ON YOU JACKING YOUR FUCKING COCK OFF?!”

He took a deep breath.

“It doesn’t matter. Help me get our bags.”

The two brothers unloaded all of their belongings. Lucifer looked over at the clock.

“10pm, huh? It’s been a long day, brother. Let’s try and get some sleep.”

The two brothers stretched out on their respected beds and attempted to get some sleep. Surprisingly Lucifer was actually enjoying his bed.

_For a 15-buck bed this isn’t so bad._

After a few minutes, Lucifer began to drift off. Just as he was about to fall asleep he heard some shuffling from across the room. He recognized the sound immediately.

”I swear to Dad that if you don’t drop your cock, I’m chopping it off.”

The shuffling noise ceased and a meek “goodnight” replaced it.

 _Goodnight Mr. Penis,_ Lucifer thought to himself, drifting off to sleep.


	5. Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brothers are making real headway with their investigation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU MOTHERFUCKERS THOUGHT I WAS LYING. WELL HERE IS SOME GARBAGE DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR COMPUTER. Hope you enjoy. :)

            Lucifer tossed and turned in his bed, strange thoughts and feelings were rushing through his head.

            _What if we never find who did this to us?_

He flipped over on his back and rubbed his eyes.

            _Never find the other angels._

He leaned up and stretched.

            _Never… get our grace back._

Before Lucifer could contemplate any longer he was interrupted by his mostly naked brother. Michael came out of the bathroom wet with a towel around his waist.

            “You’re finally awake Luci?”

            “Yeah, I’m glad you had the decency to at least wear a towel.”

            “Of course. Without it my testicles would be cold.”

            Lucifer rolled his eyes, “Riiiigghhhtt. We need to do some real snooping today. If we wait any longer our siblings might get away.”

            Michael sat on his bed and began to get dressed.

            “Yeah you are right.”

            He slid on his undergarments and dried his hair.

            “Where are we going to start looking? It’s not like the local police will just let us in on the investigation.”

            “They will if they think we are FBI.”

            “Female Body Inspectors?!”

            “Federal Bureau of Investigation you dirty perv. Where did you even learn that?”

            “Internet.”

            “Of course. Well we will pose as FBI agents. With that level of clearance, we should be able to get to whatever we want.”

            “How are we going to fake being the FBI?”

            “Well we “bought” suits back at that Goodwill, we will just wear those.”

            “You sure that will work brother?”

            “Yeah, I am sure, plus I have been working on my graphic design skills and I think I can fake us some badges.”

            Lucifer looked quite smug as he said that.

            “You do graphic design?”

            “Yeah, how else would I prevent myself from going crazy in that damn cage.”

            “Huh, I always wondered. I could barely stand the small amount of time we spent in there.”

            The two brothers sat in silence for a few minutes. Just as Lucifer was about to get up Michael spoke.

            “Have you ever dreamed brother?”

            Lucifer was slightly shocked/

            _Dreamed?_

“Uh, no I haven’t. As you know we don’t dream. I have walked in others dreams many times in the past if that counts.”

            “Oh.”

            The two brothers just looked at each other.

            “Do you think we can dream now?”

            Lucifer pondered for a few moments.

            “Well we are human. I guess it is possible.”

            _I really hate thinking about being human. So damn stinky and wet in here._

“I think… I think I had a dream last night.”

            “Really? You dreamed something last night?”

            “Yeah I think so.”

            Michael stopped talking.

            “Well what did you dream?”

            “It was Dad, you, and me.”

            “You dreamt about Dad? What were we doing?”

            “It was a long time ago, like a LONG time ago, way before Earth was a thing. We were hanging out on some world Dad had made.  You were still pretty young, still learning how to use your powers. It was before we locked up Amara.”

            “Yeah she sure is a cunt of an aunt. What were we doing?”

            “Dad was teaching you about the importance of not abandoning life you created. He said you had created this tiny little creature, something like a frog I think.”

            “Oh, you mean when I created snakes. Love those slithery little bastards. Always useful.”

            “Yeah, snakes. You had made a whole bunch and just let them loose. They were eating all the other creatures and going crazy. Dad made you kill them.”

            “Yeah, I remember now, He gave some speech about “keeping the balance” or some bullshit.”

            “I think I remember it so well because if was one the few times you were actually upset at Dad. I mean before, **it** happened.”

            “Yeah it really did upset me. He wouldn’t let me leave until I killed though.”

            The two brothers sat in awkward silence.

            “I always remembered how happy Dad made you Luci. You always used to look up to him, even more than I did. You were always trying to make him proud. What happened?”

            Lucifer lowered his head, a small tear formed in his eye.     

            “You **know** what happened.”

            “I suppose I do.”

            The two brothers couldn’t look at each other. They had been through so much in life, so much pain and betrayal, more than enough to kill most beings, even other angels.

            Lucifer wiped his tear and stood up and placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder.

            “Come on Mr. P, if we get any more emotional this could very well turn into a very different kind of fanfiction.”

            “What?!”

            “Never mind, let’s go.”

            The two brothers left for the library to make their fake id’s.

            “Alright we are here Mickey P, you just sit here and I will be right back.”

            “Mickey P?”

            “Would you rather I call you Mr. Penis?”

            “No,”

            “Thought so.”

            Lucifer went into the library and procured a computer. With his many years of practice, he forged a couple of decent looking fake id badges. He knocked on the passenger side window, signaling to his brother to roll it down.

            Lucifer handed his brother his badge.

            “Welcome to the FBI, Agent Coltrane. I’m your new partner, Agent Davis.”

            “Coltrane, Davis?”

            “What? You never heard of Jazz?”

            “Jizz?”

            “Jaaaaazzz you fuck head. The greatest form of music known to these filthy meat sacks. I really need to teach you more about Earth. Especially if we are going to be spending much time here.”

            Lucifer stepped into the car and they were off towards their next destination, the local police department.

            They pulled up to one of the unmarked parking spaces and readied themselves.

            “Alright Mickey P you need to look good. If you go walking in there with your hair a mess and your tie all crooked the pigs in blue will laugh at you.”

            Lucifer attempted to flatten out his brother’s frizzled hair and fix his tie.

            “Are you trying to rhyme or…?”

            “Shut up Mickey I’m the Devil I can do what I want.”

            After Lucifer was satisfied, the two brothers began their ruse.

            “Alright just follow my lead and try not to do anything stupid.”

            “Right.”

            Lucifer and Michael approached the front desk and gave a slight knock. A round man wearing a sheriff’s uniform approached them.

            “Can I help you boys?”

            The brothers pulled out their badges and flashed them.

            “I hope you can. I am Agent Davis and this is my partner Agent Coltrane. We are with the FBI and are investigating the strange deaths you have been having.”

            “Your partner alright there?”

            Lucifer turned and looked at his brother. He was smiling away, oblivious to the fact that his badge was facing the wrong way. He gave a slight chuckle.

            “Yeah, he’s still pretty new.”

            He laughed again and looked back at his brother, giving him a stern and cold look.

            “Alright, well come this way. I’ll walk you to the coroner’s office.”

            “That would be _great_.”

            _Dad I am really gonna need a drink after this._

The three men walk down stairs to the bodies.

            “Strange is right Agent. I’ve never seen anything like it. It is like someone lit these boys on fire from the inside.”

            “Lit on fire you say. Hmm.”

            “Here they are, have fun.”

            Lucifer and Michael entered the room and surveyed the bodies. 4 mid-twenties males, all Caucasian. All of their eyes had been burnt out of their skulls. They both looked at each other.

            “Definitely angels alright. These poor fucks must have pissed them off somehow.”

            “Why would our siblings prey on these men Luci?”

            “I don’t know Michael. Let’s check the bodies more for clues.

            The two brothers searched the bodies head to foot.

            “Huh. Luci come look at this. This guy has your name written on him”

            “What? No way.”

            Lucifer walked over to his brother and looked. The man had the words “Lucifer’s Army” tattooed across his chest.

            “Well I be damned, I didn’t know I had a fan club.”

            “Do you think there is a connection?”

            “Yeah, but let’s check the rest of the bodies.”

            After a few minutes, the brothers met up at the first body.

            “Yeah all 4 of them have my name on them. I almost feel flattered.”

            “I think it means the other Angels are hunting you brother.”

            “Well shit, that’s not good. But if that is the case why don’t they just smite me down?”

            “Well maybe they don’t know you are back, that we are back. Maybe they are just hunting down anyone connected to you.”

            “Wow Mickey, that is quite the deduction. Nice job.”

            “Yeah, I’ve been watching Law & Order in our room.”

            “Nice, maybe I will have to..”

            “DUN DUN!”

            “… Mickey was the hell was that?”

            “It’s the noise they make when they solve a case or get a clue I think, I’m not sure.”

            “Why did you say it just now then?”

            “Look at his arm.”

            “What?”

            Michael pointed down at the dead man’s arm. Scratched across it was a half-finished symbol.

            “This fuck was trying to banish the angels back to heaven. What a smart little bastard. I guess we know he wasn’t just some jackass. He knew what he was doing.”

            “Yeah, maybe we should look into some of the locals and ask around about these guys.”

            “Good idea. Before that though I need some lunch, and I need to get out of this monkey suit.”

            “Alright let’s head back to the motel then.”

            “You go ahead, I’ll be right there.”

            Michael left Lucifer standing in that cold room, standing over one of his “followers.” Seeing his name scratched across a bloody corpse always made him sentimental.

            _We really need our grace back. Being human is actually making me feel things._


	6. Finding the Fan Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael are making headway towards finding Luci's fans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Shitlord uses: "actual plot".  
> It's super effective. ;)  
> Also I want to shout out variola_in_c_major for being an awesome friend and editor. http://archiveofourown.org/users/variola_in_c_major

Today was the day; Lucifer was going to figure out what the hell was going on. He shot up out of bed with more vigor than he ever had before.

_I don’t know why, but I feel more alive today. Feels like something good is going to happen for a change._

He grabbed his clothes and headed for the shower. He had grown accustomed to showering in the mornings. It gave him the extra shot of energy to get through the day.

_Even Satan isn’t a morning person._

After a hot shower, Lucifer dried himself off and dressed. Before leaving, he leaned in and took a few moments to admire himself in the mirror.

_Damn, Satan. You are a good-looking mother-fucker._

After a few minutes of narcissism, he left the bathroom and woke up his older brother.

“Hey Mickey P, wake up. We got shit to do.”

Michael turned over rubbing his eyes.

“What time is it?”

“7:30 am, Mickey.”

“Damn, Luci…why are you up so early?”

“Psssh, early? This is nothing. Now get your lazy ass out of bed, we are hitting the town.”

Michael reluctantly rolled out of bed and threw some clothes on.

“Can we at least get some breakfast first?”

Lucifer heard his stomach grumble.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s hit up a Denny’s or something.”

The boys left their smelly home and set off for food. Their ride was average and uneventful. Michael seemed much less talkative than he usually was, a behavior that Lucifer thought he would appreciate. Instead it just worried him.

Lucifer stopped at a red-light and turned to his quiet passenger.

“Hey Mickey, what’s up?”

Michael didn’t look at his brother, he just stared at the dashboard.

“Uh, nothing, Luci. What’s up with you?”

“I’m good. Better than I’ve been since we’ve become human.”

Lucifer paused after that statement. Wait. Was he actually happy being human?

_What is happening to me?_

“I’m good, what about you? You’re being really quiet.”

“I’m…I’m alright.”

Michael seemed hesitate to talk.

“Come on Mickey, I know you. This isn’t like you.”

Michael finally looked at his brother.

“Know me? Are you sure of that?”

Lucifer was taken aback by his brother’s uncharacteristic brashness.

“I’m sorry. That didn’t come out like I wanted. We are family, we should be able to talk to each other about our feelings.”

“Of course, Luci. I will always be here if you need me.” Michael paused. He seemed to be searching for his words. “I had this dream, Luci.”

“A dream? What about?”

“Us.”

“Again? Was it like the last one?”

Michael face scrunched up in discomfort and pain.

“No. It was awful. I think you died.”

“Me? Died? No way. Who could kill me?”

“I don’t know. It was dark and there were lots of people around us. We were on our knees, hands and feet bound.”

“Ooh, kinky.”

“I’m serious, Luci. You mouthed off to one of them and the fucker shot you. I literally watched you die.”

Michael was visibly shaken, he looked like he could cry at any moment.

Lucifer pulled the car into the Denny parking lot and killed the engine.

            “Mickey, look at me.”

            Lucifer leaned across and grabbed his brother by his face.

            “Nothing is going to happen to me, OK? No mortal, god, or beast is taking me down. We are going to find out what happened to us and we are getting our grace back. I don’t care if I have to tear this whole damn planet apart doing it.”

            Michael nodded, after a moment of hesitation.

            “Ok, Luci. It just felt so real you know?”

            “Honestly, I don’t, but I’m sorry you had to go through that. We will be alright, I promise.”

            The two brothers sat in silence for a few moments.

            “I’m hungry, Luci.”

            A smile stretched across Lucifer’s face.

            “Now that is more like it. Let’s get you some breakfast.”

            Michael mood seemed to change almost instantaneously.

            “Oooh, I’m gonna get bacon.”

            “Me too, Mickey.”

            The two brothers entered Dennys and devoured as much food as their mortal stomachs could hold. After far too many slices of fried pork they returned to their car.

            “Well, I feel better now. What are we going to do today, Luci?”

            “I say we hit the town and try to find out who these assholes are.”

            “Sounds like a plan.”

            “We can start at the local library. See if they have any records of them. Then we can start asking around the local meatbags. Somebody has to know something about these guys.”

            “Alright, let’s go.”

            They headed downtown and stopped by the local library. Lucifer and Michael entered and asked to use one of the computers. 

            “Sure, honey just follow me.”

            The kind and elderly lady led them to the old desktops and told them how it all worked.

            “You just put this code in and it will boot right up. You have an hour. If you need more time, just come up to the front desk and sign up. Hope you find what you are looking for.”

            As soon as she was out of sight, Lucifer brought up Google and started searching.

            “Alright, let’s see.”

            He typed in ‘Lucifer’s Army’ and hit enter. About 50k results appeared. He scrolled and clicked but most of them were unrelated or useless.

            “Hey, Luci, did you find anything yet?”

            “Uh, not yet. Most of this crap is complete garbage.”

            Just as Lucifer finished his statement one of the links caught his eye.

            _What’s this?_

 Hovering over the link with the mouse revealed the url of the site: _www.lucifersarmy.com_. “This look promising.”

            Lucifer clicked and a garish and gory webpage loaded in front of him.

            “Wow, what decade was this made in?”

            _Copyright 1997. Seems about right._

“I’ll have to have a word with my fans. Can’t have them going around representing me with such a shitty website.”

            “Is there anything useful on their page?”

            “Let’s see.”

            Lucifer scrolled up and down the webpage looking for any clues to who these guys are and where they like to grace with their presence. He clicked a ‘Contact Us’ hyperlink with a ridiculous, animated cursor and waited.

            _Tacky and poorly coded. These guys are truly evil._

After a few moments, the page came up with an error.

            “Damn, I was hoping it would be that easy.”

            Michael leaned over and began reading.

            “Established in 1905, Lucifer’s Army are the only true followers of Lucifer’s beliefs. We believe in true love, fighting the system, and the occasional blood sacrifice.”

            Lucifer quirked an eyebrow in disgust. “Occasional?” Michael, on the other hand, looked confused.

            “What is that symbol?

            “That appears to be an emoji. Looks like a bleeding skull or something.”

            Michael continued reading.

            “You CANNOT contact us, we contact you. If we feel you are worthy of following Lucifer and bringing on the apocalypse, you will hear from us. Well. Seems this will be difficult.”

            “Nah, they will see how truly terrifying the real Lucifer is and ask me to join. After that we will interrogate them about the rampaging angels and sacrifice them or something. Man, I haven’t done a good sacrifice in what feels like forever. I wonder if we can find any good mortars around here…”

            The two brothers continuing reading. All that remained of the page were a few blurbs and photographs.

            “Here’s our man right here. Markus Ryder, huh? What a fucking douchebag name. Here, let’s print off his photo and a picture of his tattoo and see if anyone around here knows anything about him.”

            “Good idea, Luci.”

            They left the library and went door to door asking anybody and everybody. Most people had little information about Mr. Ryder. One lady actually fled in terror at the sight of the tattoo. Lucifer attempted to pry for more information but she started speaking Latin and flinging holy water so he thought it was for the best to leave her alone. After a few more doors they gave up and headed to the closest bar for drinks.

            “Two shots of your finest malt please, my good lady.”

            After the bartender brought them their drinks, Lucifer started his agitated tangent over the woman who had flinched at the sight of Ryder’s tattoo.

            “Can you believe that lady? Fucking holy water. Wasn’t ever real. I think that bitch just mixed some bleach into her tap water. If it had been real, it wouldn’t had burned.”

            Michael set down his glass, staring into his own warped reflection. “It’s odd. For a second, I thought she recognized you, Luci. It’s sort of strange for someone to flee in terror from you before you get a chance to offend them by just being yourself.”

            “Yeah, I miss making people shit their pants with a simple glance. Now I have to put in real effort to hurt people. Fucking sucks being human.” He groaned for effect.

            Michael had a much brighter outlook on the situation. “Eh, it’s not all bad. Food has real flavor, don’t have to drink that much to get drunk, and we can enjoy things like sleep now.”

            “I guess so. I do wish I could still turn people into meat pudding with a snap of my fingers, though.” Lucifer snapped his fingers several times, face knitting further into an expression of frustration with each attempt. “See? Nothing. Before all these fuckers would be blood pudding. Now I just look like a jackass.”

            “We’ll find out whoever did this and get our grace back. Just gotta be patient, little brother.”

            Lucifer almost forgot sometimes which one them was older. Since they had gotten to Earth, he had practically been holding his brother’s hand. It seemed like Michael was finally getting the hand of being human.

            The now-human angels downed their drinks. As Lucifer waved his hands for two more, a large and menacing looking man entered the bar and promptly took a seat beside them. Lucifer immediately made to glare at the guy and fire off a witty ‘fuck-off’ towards him but was stopped by the man’s words.

            “Eyes forward. As far as you’re concerned, I’m not here.”

            “Alrighty, then.” He tried not to sound sarcastic as he spoke, but it was a challenge.

            “We know.”

            Lucifer shifted his head towards his brother and gave him a look. His eyes met Michael’s, and his brother nodded.

            “You do, do you?” he continued, speaking to the stranger.

            “Yes. We know you are looking, and you have found.”

            _What the fuck is wrong with this guy?_

“I am going to walk out of here. Wait five minutes, then follow.”

            “Sure.”

            The large man rose out of his seat and left the bar.

            “What was that all about, Luci?”

            “I think we have found of a member of my army. Seems he wants to introduce us to the rest of the flock.”

            “Do you trust him? He seems really shady.” Michael’s naivety had made a reappearance once more, as he stole a glance at the doors where the alleged recruiter had exited a moment ago.

            “Of course not, but at this point we don’t have much of a choice. It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

            “If you say so. I don’t have a good feeling about this. We are very mortal, in case you didn’t notice.”

            “Yeah, I noticed, Mickey.”    

            After a few more minutes, and drinks, Lucifer and Michael exited the bar in pursuit of their new friend. Once outside, they found him standing outside of a large, black van near the back of the parking lot.

            _Well, that’s not ominous at all._

            “I really don’t like this, Luci,” Michael whispered, visibly nervous.

            “We are fine, brother. Don’t piss yourself just yet.”

            They slowly made their way towards the man. When they reached the van, the man spoke.

            “I’m glad you decided to come.”

            Lucifer threw his trademark smirk in response, but said nothing. Michael managed to keep a poker face, which was impressive, considering just how anxious he was.

            “You two will do just fine.”

            Four burly, unidentifiable men stepped out from the shadows. Before Lucifer and Michael could react, the men threw burlap bags over their heads, leaving them struggling for just a few moments before they were both smacked, hard with the bluntness of what felt like a bat. The two staggered and fell to their knees, ears ringing. The men then grabbed them and roughly tossed them into the back of the van, slamming the door behind them. The two powerless archangels felt the hum of the van starting, before their kidnappers took off. Just before Lucifer passed out, he had one final thought.

            _Fucking fans; can’t live with them, can’t avoid being kidnapped by them._


	7. Between a Rock and Hard Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How are Luci and Mickey going to get out of this one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Garbage. Enjoy :)

Thump, thump, thump. Lucifer head smacked hard against the floor of the van.

            _What a bunch of assholes. I feel like I have a hangover and they bound my hands and feet. Jerks._

Lucifer attempted to wiggle himself free but he had no success. Michael was laying a few feet from him in a similar predicament. After a few more minutes of darkness and pain the van stopped.

            _Finally._

Lucifer heard some muffled voices and feet shuffle around him. Someone smacked him on the back and pulled him out of the van.

            “Come on maggot.”

            _Oh, I’m starting with you **friend**._

            Lucifer was pulled by his collar across the hard ground. The man let him go and opened a large and heavy metal door. He dragged Lucifer and Michael inside and shut it behind him.

            _I wonder how much money I could get from selling their organs?_

Lucifer and Michael were pulled for a few more moments before the captors let them go.

            “I’ve brought the last ingredient sir.”

            “Very good. Remove their bags.”

            The man roughly ripped off the bags covering Lucifer and Michaels’ head. Lucifer squinted his eyes to help adjust to the sudden light. They were sitting in the middle of a large room, mostly likely an old abandoned factory. They were surrounded by six men, five around them and one in front of them.

            “You two should feel honored, getting to help us return Lucifer to Earth. Help bring the apocalypse and set this world free. “

            Lucifer and Michael were dumbfounded by what they were hearing.

            “You think **you** can bring back Lucifer, the mighty overlord of Heaven and Hell, with a shitty little spell? You must be dreaming.”

            The man up front was slightly amused by Lucifer’s brashness.

            “My name is Roland, by the way, not that it really matters now. Just thought you should know the man who’s about to slit your throats.”

            The helplessness Lucifer was feeling was new to him.         

            _Is this fear? Never felt it from this side._

Roland pulled out a long, silver blade. It looked quite ceremonious.

            “The spell required many things, many hard-to-find ingredients. The last of which was the blood of two brothers, similar by blood but nothing else.”

            “What is that supposed to mean?”

            “We needed a set of brothers that were related but were polar opposites in every way. We’ve watched every single person who enters and leaves this town. We know who you are and what you are doing. We know you were sent by those angels to gather information on us. Those frightened little birds are trying to stop us from bringing Lucifer home, to Heaven.”

            “Well Lucifer is a great guy and all, a literal archangel, but I understand why the Angels don’t want him back. I have a feeling he would slaughter each and every one of them given the chance.”

            “No, of course not.”

            Lucifer was confused.

            “What? Aren’t you trying to bring him back in order to bring about the end of the world?”

            “Well, yes. Earth. This spell will bind Lucifer to us, make him do and follow what we want. We will make him destroy this pitiful world and bring all people to Heaven. We don’t want him to destroy Heaven or the other angels.”

            Lucifer was starting to get really pissed off.

            “Who do you think you are? Trying to control Satan himself. It will never work.”

            “We are Lucifer’s Army, and it will work.”

            Roland waved his hands and his men put the bags back over their heads. Lucifer attempted to speak but his mouth was completely covered, he could barely breath.

            “Let’s hurry up and drain these fools so we can begin.”

            _This is it. This can’t be it. I can’t be murdered by these idiots, sacrificed to myself._

Roland took Lucifer by the throat. He pulled the bag up the expose this throat and slide the knife up against it.

            “Goodbye.”

            _No…_

Before Roland could move Michael began shaking violently, a deep chanting sound resonated shot from his mouth. The men, including Roland stopped and looked at him.

            “That’s Angel speak, what is he trying to say?”

            _Angel speak? Seriously guys._

One of the men ungagged Michael. His eyes were turned all the way around and he had a sinister look on his face. He screamed at the top of his lungs, making everyone’s ears hurt. After a few moments, he stopped and began to speak.

            “I have returned. Lucifer, your master, has returned.”

            Roland was shocked; he fell to his knees in front of him, the others followed suit.

            “Oh, great master, you have come to us.”

            “Yes, Roland, I have returned to aid you in your quest and reward you for your loyalty. Now unbind me and my servant so that we may begin.:

            _Servant? Really Mickey?_

“Oh yes master.”

            Roland and his goons untied Lucifer and “Lucifer”. Lucifer stretched his arms and legs.

            _Bout damn time._

“Oh, great master, thank you so much. Shall we start?”

            “In due time my slave, for now let me see your blade. I wish to endow it will the power to slay even gods.”

            “Oh yes master.”

            Roland handed his blade over to “Lucifer”.

            _Wow Mickey, you are really going overboard with this._

“Lucifer” chanted and waved his hands all over the blade. He turned it so it would shimmer in the light. After about 30 seconds he stopped.”

            “Will my blade slay even God himself master?”

            “Lucifer” paused for a moment before speaking. He leaned in close to Roland.

            “No, but it will work fine on you.”

            Michael, now back to normal, slashed fast across Roland’s face, and threw him to the side. Lucifer, taking the cue, spun around and sucker-punched one of the goons in the face, knocking him out cold. A goon grabbed him from behind but Michael kicked him in the back of the knee. He hit him over the back of the head, knocking him out cold. Lucifer turned to find the other two men on the ground, bleeding from a fresh wound.

            “Wow, Mickey. Went a little overboard didn’t ya?”

            Michael smiled and rubbed the back of his head.

            “Guess I was still in character.”

            Before the boys could talk anymore they heard a gurgle sound coming from behind them.

            “Guess we still have some trash to deal with.”

            Lucifer walked over the bleeding Roland.

            “Guess this didn’t turn out how you wanted. I’ll let you die happy though, since I’m such a nice guy.”

            Roland attempted to speak but couldn’t

            Lucifer leaned down really close to Roland. His eyes almost seemed to flicker red like before.

            “I’m **Lucifer**.”

            Roland eyes went wide and a tear began to develop. He didn’t have much time to though because Lucifer began stomping his head into grape jelly. After he was satisfied he walked back to Michael.

            “Well that fuck is taken care of. Still leaves us in the dark though.”

            “I don’t think so Luci.”

            Michael bent down and picked up the scroll Roland was reading from.

            “The creator of the spell was nice enough to sign it for us. Thomas Kleiffer.”

            “Sounds like a dick to me. I guess we should head on back and get some sleep. We can stick around town for a few days to see if any more angels show up and then we can look for old Major Tom.”

            “Good plan Lucifer.”

            Michael scooped up the scroll and they made their way back outside. Lucifer hotwired one of the van. Before they left he spoke.

            “So, Mickey, where did you get the idea of being me from?”

            “I don’t know Luci. I was scared so I just thought about home and it just sort of came out of me. Before I knew it we were free.”

            “Good thinking. You do know I don’t sound anything like that though.”

            “Yeah, but if I started to act like a spoilt little 5-year-old they wouldn’t have believed me.”

            Lucifer gave his brother a look and started the car. They drove off into the night, unsure of their future.

            _You know, he isn’t wrong._


	8. Rose Bushes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael are furiously searching for their elusive author. Will they ever find him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody. Sorry for such a short chapter. I feel it ended where it should and it says what I wanted to with this chapter. Shout out to variola_in_c_major for yelling at me to write more lol. Hope you all enjoy. :)

            Lucifer furiously pounded away at his recently bought computer, attempted all combinations of the words: ‘Thomas’, ‘Kleiffer’, ‘Satan’, ‘Lucifer’, and ‘book’. He even sprinkled in some: ‘asshole’, ‘dickface’, and ‘bitch nugget’ but he had no luck. Thomas Kleiffer didn’t seemed to exist.

            “Fuck.”

            He expressed that word with anger and zeal.

            “I spent a week’s worth of shakedowns, fake donations, and pool sharking on this thing and it hasn’t got us any closer to finding this fucker.”

            Lucifer wasn’t used to feeling this helpless. This feeling of having to rely on others wasn’t completely new to him however. He often thought back to those days he asked his brothers and sisters to stand with him against his absentee father figure. He was honestly shocked none on them did.

            “Have you had any luck Mickey?”

            Michael looked up over his recently acquired tablet and shook his head.

            “Sorry Luci, nothing on my end either.”

            Michael grinned and turned his tablet so Lucifer could see the screen.

            “Look Luci, there are horny singles in my area.”      

            Lucifer grinned and nodded. His older brother may have been a doofus, but his level of love for breasts always made him laugh.

            “That’s great Mickey. Don’t get any viruses on that thing, we just got it.”

            Michael nodded and bared his teeth, showing off Adam’s pearly whites. He leaned back and continued searching for the elusive Thomas Kleiffer.

            Lucifer starred at his screen for a few more minutes. The words began to bleed together. He slammed the lid of his computer shut and rubbed his temples. With one movement, he rose out of his chair and stretched.

            “Hey Mickey, when was the last time we had a decent meal, or had anything resembling fun?”

            “Well, we haven’t really had fun since we beat those punks up in that factory, and we have been eating Hot Pockets for about two and a half weeks, so I would say at least two and a half weeks.”

            “That’s what I thought.”

            Lucifer slid his shoes on and grabbed his jacket.

            “Let’s get out of here for a little while and get something to eat, maybe catch a movie, stab someone in the dark and season our popcorn in their blood. Something fun.”

            Michael gave his brother a perplexed look.

            “You want to go out and have fun?”

            Lucifer gave his brother a straight-faced but oddly defensive look back.

            “What? Am I not allowed to have fun?”

            “I didn’t say that. I just mean you have been pretty obsessed with finding this guy, with getting our grace back. You hate being human more anyone.”

            Lucifer looked at the ground, unsure how to respond. He looked like a wounded deer trying to figure out whether to push on with life or just lie down and die.”

            “You are right…”

            “Oh?”

            “I hate being human.”

            Lucifer swallowed hard and ruffled up his hair.”

            “I’m scared, bored, in pain physically and emotionally. I am feeling things I have never felt before and I hate it. I want it to stop…”

            Lucifer tried to find the correct words.

            “But more than anything I just wanted to enjoy whatever time I have left with my brother.”

            Michael stood, almost a tear formed in his eyes. He walked over to his brother and stood face-to-face with him.

            “Really Luci? You really feel that way?”

            Lucifer looked to the ground. He seemed to be searching for something. He finally looked up, with his trademark shit-eating grin.

            “Of course not Mr. Penis. I’m Satan, there is nothing I’m afraid of.”

            Michael’s expression changed dramatically, from one of love and hope to one of anger and sadness.

            “I should have known you would never open up to me little brother. Never show an ounce of real emotion to anyone. All this time and you haven’t changed at all.”

            Michael heel-turned and sat back at the table. He buried his face in his tablet. Lucifer just stood their awkwardly.

            “So, I guess that’s a no to food.”

            Michael looked at his brother with a straight face.

            “Never mind that Luci, come look at this.”

            Lucifer walked over and took the tablet from his older brother’s hands.

            “Fan club of Thomas Kleiffer’s books meeting next week, from the 8th to the 15th. Holy crap Mickey, how did you find this?”

            “I don’t know”, he mumbled, “just googled it.”

            “Let’s see how close we are.”

            Lucifer searched and mapped out their course.

            “According to the magical google, we are about 8 hours from there. If we leave now we can make it there by lunch time tomorrow. That will give us time to search around the place and maybe actually relax some. Maybe actually get out front of this crap.”

            “Let’s do it Luci.”

            The brothers packed their limited belongs and began loading up their car.

            “You go ahead Mickey, I’m gonna steal some of the little soap bottles before we head out.”

            “Good thinking.”

            Michael took his bags out, leaving Lucifer standing alone. Lucifer looked around the desolate little room he was standing in. In a weird way, it reminded him of heaven.

            _Smaller than you think, and so homey it feels fake._

He looked out the window and watched his brother load his bags in the trunk of their car.

            _If only you knew how true the words I said were Mickey._

Lucifer grabbed as many towels and bottles as he could grab and joined his brother. They started the car and made their way towards their next destination, Colorado Springs.

            The road was a lonely place for Lucifer, he had all that time to just dance around in his own head. His brother usually just slept. Most of the time he thought about his being in the cage, all the countless mortals and beasts he slaughtered just for the fun of it, all the pain and anguish he had afflicted on his Father’s green Earth. Not this time though. This time he thought about home.

            If he concentrated really hard he could almost see the rose bushes, resting gently on the side of the cabin he shared with his brother Michael. He could still hear the sound of the thorns brushing against perfectly finished wood. Lucifer felt a feeling he hadn’t ever experience before.

            Regret.

            _If only you knew Mickey…_


	9. Drafting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael have arrived but are a little early. Whatever should they do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like filler chapters. Because be prepared TO BE FILLED.

“Here we are Mickey.”

Lucifer pulled their stolen vehicle into a parking space. Before them was an average looking hotel.

“You sure this is the place Luci?”

“Yeah, Hilton Inn. This is it.”

“There doesn’t seem to be much happening at the moment.”

“Yeah, well we are a little early. The festivities won’t be starting until tomorrow morning.”

Lucifer opened his door and walk to the front door of the building.

“We should go ahead and check-in. Get a room and enjoy the surroundings.”

Lucifer was beginning to ironically enjoy being a human. It scared him but it actually seemed to make Michael relieved. He didn’t have to worry about him snapping and going AWOL.

“Come on Mickey, the sign says this place has an indoor pool.”

“Sweet!”

The brothers entered and talked to the stout man at the front desk. Lucifer did his best to not seem _too_ sarcastic. After a few minutes of mundane talking the man handing Michael the key to their room.

“Here you go gentlemen. Enjoy your stay at Hilton Inn and the convention.”

Before Lucifer could say something snarky, Michael spoke.

“Is there anything really fun to do around here?”

“What kind of fun are you looking for?”

The man raised his eyebrows and gave them a strange face. Lucifer gave him his trademark “Really?”.

“Not that.”

_Not that kind of fiction._

“Oh, well there is a go-kart track a few miles from here.”

“Where is it?”

The man handed Lucifer a pamphlet and went into the back room.

“Uncle Stevey’s Race Track. Humans never cease to annoy me.”

“Can we go Luci?”

“Yeah, why not. Let’s put our bags away and then we head out.”

Michael jumped into the air and took off towards the elevator, his and Lucifer’s bags on his back.

_That’s a new one._

After a few wrong turns, the two wingless angels arrived at their destination. Michael stepped out of the car with an expression like that of a child of Christmas,

“Luci. This. Looks. Awesome!”

Lucifer looked at his brother and saw how genuinely happy he looked. It brought a small smile to his face.

“Yeah, let’s see how much it cost to drive.”

They walked up and talked to the ticket man.

“10 dollars admission per person. The different tracks will cost varying amount of tickets to ride. You can get a pack of 15, 30, 45, or 60 tickets.”

“Give me a pack of 60.”

“Alright sir, that will be 75 dollars.”

Lucifer went to hand the man some cash but stopped.

“Did you say 75 dollars?”

“Yes, sir.”

Lucifer turned to his brother.

“Mickey, are you sure we left Hell?”

Michael gave his brother a perplexed look.

“Judging by how you said that you want to say ‘At least in Hell they don’t charge you to get bent over and fucked.’ Did I say that right?”

“My thoughts exactly.”

The man behind the glass rolled his eyes.

“Take or leave it cheapskate?”

Lucifer felt a tingling sensation in the tip of his fingers and his arm felt like it was on fire. He turned to the man, reached through the little slot in the glass, grabbed the man by the collar and tugged hard, slamming his face hard against the glass.

“I think you owe my brother and I an apology _friend_. That and all the tickets you have in this shit-box. I suggest you say “yes sir” if you want to keep your internal organs, **internal**.”

The glass of the box was beginning to get wet, a mixture of the man’s sweat and tears.

“Yes sir, of course sir. Please, please let me go.”

Lucifer released his grip and the man sprung back and slammed into the back of the shed. He scrambled to feet and gathered all tickets he had. He slid them through slot.

“Thank you buddy.”

Lucifer slammed the glass so hard that the whole box shook. The man inside screamed out and fell to the floor, and curled up in the fetal position.

“Which one should we try first?”

“Let’s check out this one.”

Lucifer and Michael walked up to a medium sized track. They handed the teenager attending it a few tickets and made their way to their karts.

“Sweet Luci, mine’s green.”

Lucifer looked his kart over.

“Goody, mine is pink. I should kill that punk out front.”

“Oh, come on Luci. Don’t be such a child. Let’s just enjoy this without murdering any lower life forms.”

“Fine, fine. No manslaughter today. However, if that fuck says a single word when we leave I’m taking his tongue as a souvenir.”

“A compromise I can live with brother. Now let’s get buckled in.”

“Do I have to buckle my seatbelt?”

The teenager looked annoyed.

“Please secure yourself in your kart sir. We can’t begin until you do.”

“Alright, alright.”

Lucifer and Michael readied themselves and drove up to the starting line.

“Alright you two. Stay in your cars, watch out for each other, and this is not bumper cars.”

The two brothers nodded. The worker raised his flag and signaled them.

“Go.”

Michael and Lucifer shot off the starting line, both pushing their karts to the limit. Lucifer had a determined look on his face. Michael just looked like he was having a blast. They swerved and turned with as much precision as their little karts gave them. Lucifer in lead with Michael close behind him.

“You’ll never beat me Mickey. You don’t even know how to drive.”

“I’ll show you little brother.”

Michael slid his car right behind his brother and bided his time. When they entered a straight stretch, Michael made his move. His car seemed to gain an extra gear, it flew past his brother’s, leaving him in the dust. Lucifer was flabbergasted as he pulled in beside his brother, having been beat by several seconds.

“Where in the hell did you learn to do that?”

“I watched this thing call NASCAR the other day. I thought I would try it out.”

“You watched NASCAR once and learned how to do that?”

“Yeah, it’s actually pretty simple. It’s called drafting. I get behind you and it reduces the drag on my kart. That allows me to increase my velocity. Less air friction equals faster car.”

Lucifer was truly stunned.

“Mickey.”

“Yes Luci?”

“Can you teach me how to do that?”

“Sure, little brother. Shall we race again?”

“Hell yes!”

Michael and Lucifer continued to race for hours. Slowly Lucifer got better and better. Every time he seemed to catch up to his brother, Michael pulled away again. After a few hours of racing they returned to their hotel.

“Mickey, that was much more fun than I thought it would be.”

“Thanks for going with me brother.”

“Of course, Mickey, anytime.”

“I’m going to take a shower.”

Michael went into the bathroom, leaving Lucifer alone with his thoughts. The old Lucifer would have never done that. He would be frustrated, angry, furious that someone was better at something than him. The new Lucifer wasn’t at all. It could be that it was his older brother, one of the few things in the universe he still respected, but he wasn’t so sure. Maybe he was finally growing up.

_You really are something Mickey._


	10. Red as the Doll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are getting closer to finding out who Thomas Kleiffer is and his connection to Lucifer himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, grad school is rough. Enjoy :)

“Rise and shine Mickey, today is the day that we finally find out what the hell has been going on down here. Or at least who started my fan-club.”

Michael stirred in his bed and rose, stretching his arms out and yawning.

“What time is it Luci?”

“8:00 am sharp.”

Michael turned and looked at the mostly covered widow. Light was bleeding through the cracks of the curtain. Michael got out of bed and got dressed.

“Make sure to put on your walking shoes cause we are going to be wearing out our soles.”

Michael looked at his shoes with a confused expression.

“Brother, we don’t have souls and I only have one pair of shoes.:

Lucifer shook his head and ignored the perplexed Michael. Lucifer was determined to get some real information today. The wingless angels finished getting ready and drove to the convention area.

“We need to be here early in case the place is packed. Don’t want to not be able to get a parking spot.”

Lucifer and Michael arrived at 8:45 am. They found a parking spot close to the entrance and made their way to the gate. At the gate was a large man wearing a black shirt with the words “Security” written across it.

“Passes fellas.”

“Uh…”

Lucifer pretended to look for his pass, patting his pockets down and turning to Michael and motioning him to do the same. The guard tapped his foot and hummed as they put on a show.

“Do you have the tickets brother?”

“What do you mean Luci? I thought you had them?

“Michael, I know that I told you to grab them off the table before the we left.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t have them.”

Lucifer huffed and puffed, feigning aggravation.

“It seems that we have forgotten our passes.”

“Oh.”

Lucifer moved closer to the man, close enough to smell his breakfast on his breath.

_Broccoli soup._

“How would you like to be the person who brought Satan himself to his fan-club. I promise all glory of Heaven, Hell, and Earth if you allow my angelic brother and I to pass.”

The man gave him a serious face for a few moments before breaking. He gave a boisterous laugh and slapped Lucifer on the back.

“Man, you are good. That was almost enticing. How about this, since you guys seem like such big fans and we are nowhere near capacity I’ll let you in. Just don’t shoot the place up and if you get caught I know nothing.”

Lucifer agreed and the two entered the convention area.

“I’m glad he let us in. It would have been a big disappointment if we came all this way and got turned away at the door.”

“Yeah, I surprised that he wasn’t intimidated by me. I usually just turn up my devilish charm and people either fall under my spell, or at least shit themselves.”

“To be fair, he probably has heard that before.”

“Yeah.”

Lucifer wasn’t satisfied with that answer.

“Also, maybe you are just losing your mojo.”

“My mojo?”

“You know, like in ‘Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.’”

“I don’t think I’ve seen that before.”

Michael gasped loudly and stopped his brother.

“We HAVE to watch it sometime.”

“Sure.”

“I’m serious, it’s a classic.”

“Alright Mickey we will watch it when we get finished here.”

“Yeah, baby, yeah!”

Lucifer looked at his brother.

“Michael, what was that?”

“Never mind, let’s just look around.”

“Fine by me.”

Lucifer and Michael strolled around the conventions.

“Ooh let’s look at this booth.”

Lucifer and Michael approached a small booth covered in Lucifer merchandise: comic books, posters, keychains, anything a fan could need.

“See anything you like? All these are fan-made products are inspired by Thomas Kleiffer’s books. Let me know if you see anything.”

Lucifer perused the items.

_Man, none of these meatbags look anything like me or my vessel._

Lucifer grabbed a comic book titled “Everyday Men: The Misadventures of a Now Mortal Lucifer and Michael.” His eyes widened as he read through the first few pages. He turned to his brother and showed.

“Man, look at this garbage. The plot doesn’t make any sense. The author is just making shit up with no regards to consistency, and we are drawn as two lumbering idiots with giant pecs that never wear shirts.”

Lucifer kept turning until he came upon an “interesting” panel.

“What the fuck?”

This panel portrayed Michael and Lucifer open-mouth kissing, their hands rubbing each other’s hard bodies.

“Dude, what the hell is this about?”

Lucifer handed the book the to the seller. He looked over and panel.

“What?”

“They are brothers man. That shits nasty.”

“Hey man, a large portion of our fanbase ships Michael and Lucifer. They take Micifer very seriously. I’m just writing to my demographic.”

Lucifer was visibly disgusted and Michael was desperately holding back a laugh. They stormed away from the booth.

“I really need a drink now.”

They went up to the provided bar.

“Give me your stiffest drink.”

“Right away sir.”

After a few silent moments Michael spoke.

“Hey Luci.”

“What is it Mickey?”

“I think, since my name came first in our ship name I am the one who gives the penis.”

Lucifer began squeezing his temples, desperately trying to turn time back a few minutes.

“Michael, I never want you to discuss what just happened ever again.”

“Fair enough.”

Lucifer took his drink and took a large swig.

“Much better.”

Michael ordered himself a drink and the two brothers took in the atmosphere.

“This shit is so phony. I mean look at that thing.”

Lucifer pointed at a life size balloon being sold at one of the booths.

“Do I look I have horns? Or hooves? I don’t carry around a trident for fucks sake. Who am I? Aqua-Man?”

“Uh Luci…”

“What?!”

“I don’t think that is a balloon.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…”

Michael’s face was flushed as red as the “balloon”.

“Balloons don’t usually have a ‘pair of fully-functional nipples, 6 inch vibrating cock, and moist fuckable asshole’.

Michael pointed to the sign beside sex-doll.

Lucifer turned around in his chair and spoke to the bartender.

“I’m gonna need three more of those drinks, rushed.”

“Right away sir.”

Lucifer placed his head on the counter and began muttering about how he will “kill all these motherfuckers”.

Michael was grinning and enjoying his drink.

“I’m jealous brother. I wish I had a ‘pleasure’ doll.”

_They are all dying._


	11. Connecting With The Satan Within You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are about to meet their favorite author and hopefully learn all his secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Lucifer ever get over his embarrassment? Probably not but read anyways for dumb jokes.

_Slice, dice, chop them all up. I’ll go for the fat one at the booth first then I’ll…_

Lucifer felt an unfamiliar hand on his shoulder. He raised his head and met the gaze of an interesting looking fella. He stood about 5 and a half feet tall; a stout man with a full large beard, from his neck to his rosy cheeks.

“What’s up Santa?”

“Ho Ho Ho.”

The man let out a booming, cheerful laugh.

“Are you gentlemen excited to meet Mr. Kleiffer?”

“Oh yes.”

Lucifer sat up in his seat and attempted to make himself look interested in the conversation.

“My brother and I have a lot of questions for him.”

“Me too brother.”

The man gave Lucifer a hard smack on the back, laughed again, and walked off into the crowd, blending in with the rest of the fans.

“Someone should let Mrs. Claus know her husband is slacking off.”

“Are you alright Luci?”

Lucifer rubbed the back of his head and thought for a moment.

“I guess…”

“I guess…”

“I guess I just never thought that my image would be sold as a literal sex object. It feels pretty revolting. As an Archangel, as King of Hell, I felt invincible because I was. Being a devilishly handsome and above average in strength human just isn’t the same.”

“I understand Luci. We will get our status back. Maybe not King of Hell but back to Archangels.”

“Dad would never let me back in after what happened.”

“Maybe not, but we should still try.”

Lucifer slumped back over and put his head on the counter.

“We can kill something later. If you want.”

Lucifer perked up and turned to his brother.

“Can it be a person?”

“Sure Luci, did you have anyone in mind?”

“I wanna kill that security guard. He needs to learn to fear me before he dies.”

“Of course, little brother.”

“Thank you, Mickey.”

A loud and sudden voice echoed through the room.

“Attention guests, the Q&A with the author is about to begin. Please make your way to towards the stage and take a seat.”

The other fans began slowly making their way towards the stage while Lucifer and Michael surveyed the area.

“Seems like we are about to meet Tommy boy himself.”

Lucifer and Michael found a pair of seats in the back and row and sat down.

“What questions are you going to ask him Luci?”

“Eh I don’t think it would be a good idea to start screaming stuff at him while there is a crowd around. My bloodlust has subsided, for now. It would be easier to question him in private.”

“Welcoming to the stage, acclaimed author, and the reason you came, Thomas Kleiffer.”

The crowd of 200 sweaty nerds clapped and cheered as a middle age looking white man walked across the stage. He had a short brown hair, with a few grey hairs sticking the side. He had an unimpressive goatee that wasn’t quite filled out. He was wearing plain clothes, like he had just got finished jogging at his local park.

“Hello Everyone.”

The entire crowd went into a frenzy again. Thomas motioned with his hands for the crowd to go silent and they obeyed like a pack of well trained dogs.

“Welcome to the convention. I hope everyone is enjoying themselves and getting plenty of souvenirs.”

“HELL YEAH TOM!”

The crowd laughed at the sudden outburst from the first row.

“Seems like some of you are really enjoying the complimentary beers.”

The crowd laughed even harder and the man in the front row took a drunken bow.

“I saddened to say that I have nothing knew related to my books to share with you today. Nothing other than my most recent book ‘Connecting with the Satan within You’ is currently on sale. I will be signing copies after the Q&A.”

_Connecting with the Satan Within You? What the shit is that?_

“Now that that is out of the way I will be happy to field any questions you have for me.”

Lucifer couldn’t help himself. He raised his hand and began widely shaking it in an attempt to get the author’s attention.

“Hmm let’s see. Yes, you sir in the back, with the short blond hair.”

“Can you give us an idea what your newest book is about before we buy?”

“Oh yes, of course. ‘Connecting with the Satan Within You’ is the newest book in my ‘Excepting your Inner Demons’ line. We all have our own troubles in our lives. We need to be able to connect to them so we can figure out how to deal with them and grow with them. My newest book deals with the largest issues in our lives: love, money, happiness. How to move on from a broken relationship, avoid buyer’s remorse, and find happiness in the little things.”

_This fuck is a fucking life coach._

“Does that answer your question sir?”

“Yes.”

Lucifer sat back down. His brained seemed to be boiling inside his skull.

_This fuck is using my image, ME, to sell garbage to stupid people. That’s so smart it makes me sick. He is trying to humanize and allow people to connect to me, Satan. What is wrong with this guy?_

“Do you think he knows anything Luci?”

Lucifer was so enthralled by the author that he had almost forgotten that his brother was with him.

“It doesn’t seem like it but I think we should get a little bit more personal with him before we leave.”

“What should we do?”

“I think we should follow him home and ask him a few questions about this scroll.”

Lucifer pulled the large, ancient looking scroll out his bag..

“Might as well ask him now.”

Lucifer waited a few minutes before asking his question.

“And that sir is how I was able to convince my publisher to publish my first book. Perseverance, determination, and a well-made ham sandwich. Alright who’s next.”

Lucifer once again raised his hand and frantically shook it.

“Ah yes you sir in the back. You have another question?”

Lucifer stood and raised the book above his head.

“What can you tell me about this scroll?”

The author squinted hard to see. He mouthed the name of the scroll to himself and took a step back and became as pale as a ghost. The entire crowd was looking at him, desperate for an answer. The author looked at his phone and sighed.

“Aw sorry folks, looks like we are out of time for questions.”

The crowed deflated, sad to see their idol leave.

“I hope you enjoy the rest of the convention and hope to see you next year.”

Mr. Kleiffer quickly left the stage and made his way towards the rear exit.

“Seems like we spooked him Mickey. Let’s follow this prick and **bleed** him for information.”

“I’m right behind you Luci.”

The brothers hurried out of the convention and got in their car. A small sedan sped past them, paying no mind to traffic laws.

“There’s the prick ruining my image. Time to find out where he lives.”

Michael and Lucifer sped behind him, making sure to keep a safe distance.

_How dare he humanize me, ME!_


	12. Daddy Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael are finally going to get some one-on-one time with their favorite author.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this slightly longer chapter full of plot goodness my friends. Special surprise coming next chapter so stay tuned. (I am so lame) :)

Lucifer and Michael tailed Mr. Kleiffer closely, taking each turn that he did. Lucifer desperately wanted to plow into the back of his car and end him right here and there, but he needed some answers first, so some patience was required. After what seemed like an eternity, on Earth and in Hell, Thomas’ car pulled into the parking lot of a crusty, seedy-looking motel.

“This cheap fuck can’t even afford a place that’s cum-stain free. How did he ever organize Lucifer’s Army?”

“We will soon find out, I hope.”

Lucifer jumped up and out of his car with a feverish agility and started nearly sprinting towards the man’s door. However, before he could get more than a few steps in front of their car, Michael yanked him back by his sleeve.

“Hold on a minute. We need to come up with some sort of a plan before we just bust in there. If he freaks out and yells for help, we will have a situation we can’t easily handle in our current states.”

Lucifer tried pulling away half-heartedly, still fueled by the terrible images he’d seen earlier, but he knew it was meaningless. Michael had a point.

“Fuck, you’re right. This little weasel will most likely squeal if we don’t jump him quick.”

The two sat on the roof of their car and formulated a plan.

“Alright, Luci. Let’s try this. How about you go knock on his door and get him in a conversation? Say something like wanting to apologize or thank him for coming to the convention. And then, while you have him distracted, I’ll sneak in through the bathroom window and get him from behind.”

“That’s almost stupid enough to work. Let’s do it.”

The depowered angels split up, Michael walking around the back of the building while Lucifer did his best to remain calm and tone down the “serial killer” vibes he was giving off in preparation for his role as one of this guy’s assmonkey fans. Once he reached the door, he took a deep breath for balance before knocking on the door three times.

_Come on, you prick. Answer your door._

The sounds of walking and papers being moved resonated from the door.

“One moment please.”

After a few seconds passed, Thomas unlocked his door and cracked it slightly, the deadbolt still engaged. He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped when his gaze met Lucifer’s. “What do you want?” he inquired, tone edgy.

“I…” Lucifer paused, and played with his hands, trying to think up something clever and not demeaning to say. These hands, Nick’s hands, he had used to murder gods and mortals alike. Even those of his own kind. They were so dry and pale…

_I should buy some moisturizer or something._

“I wanted to apologize for earlier.” He didn’t sound particularly sorry when he spoke, but it was better than the emotions he had brewing beneath his calm façade. “I didn’t mean to offend you with my questions.”

The man said nothing and continued to stare Lucifer down.

Okay. Maybe another tactic would work. “You seemed really bothered by this,” Lucifer added, pulled the scroll out of his bag and held it out in front of the crack. Thomas immediately lurched back and slammed the door as hard as he could, the frame practically rattling the entire hallway.

“Leave me alone!”

Whoops. “Wait! Come back. If I put it away, can we talk?”

“That thing should be burned,” came a cryptic, pained whisper from the other side of the wood.

“Well, I’m not burning it, but I will put it back in my bag.”

Lucifer returned the scroll to his bag and placed the bag at his feet. A few moments passed, and the door opened once again, this time fully. A concerned and annoyed Thomas Kleiffer stood before him, dressed down in what appeared to be some very old PJs.

“What do you want?”

Lucifer met Thomas’ eyes with his own and did his best to put on a concerned face. It was impossibly difficult. “I just came to say I was sorry for bothering you and to thank you for coming to the convention.”

Kleiffer squinted at him. “What are you? Some kind of super fan or something?”

“You could say that. Also, I won’t bring it back out, but could you tell me about the scroll I showed you?”

“No. That thing is an abomination against God and I want nothing to do with it.”

“Oh, come on, Mr. Kleiffer.” Lucifer’s tone was beginning to lose any patience it had in favor of gaining a teasing quality. Fortunately, as he spoke those words, he noticed Michael creep around the corner and position himself behind the man.

“Don’t you think God misses his most favorite son?” the devil asked, taking a step forward. Thomas stood his ground, looking perturbed.

“Of course not. That heathen is the embodiment of evil itself.”

“Oh, Mr. Kleiffer. I don’t know if I should be offended or flattered.”

The man grew more complexed with each second more that passed. “What do you mean?”

“Flattering Satan doesn’t often get you far…”

Lucifer jumped forward at an almost super human speed. Thomas jumped back into Michael’s arms. He put him in a choke hold. Thomas struggled but slowly fell into unconsciousness.

“You may just have saved your life.”

Thomas slumped and fell to the floor, dead to the world.

Lucifer sighed, relieved he could finally drop the innocuous, disgusting false worshipper act. “Alright. Let’s get this fuck tied up and ready.”

Michael nodded and dragged him into the room. Lucifer took a quick look around before entered the room, closing the door, and locking it behind him.

After about an hour, Mr. Kleiffer regained consciousness to the sight of himself in his underwear, tied down to the bed.

“Wakey, wakey, Mr. Kleiffer. Good thing you finally decided to join us. I was about ready to let Michael start ordering pay-per-view porn with your credit card.”

Thomas’ eyes were wide, frantically flitting side to side. He was desperately trying to scream but his mouth was gagged by the sock shoved down his throat.

Lucifer’s eyes glinted playfully as he waggled a finger at the man. “Ah, not so fast little boy. You only get to talked if you play nice and do what we say. Do you understand?”

Thomas nodded, obedient and willing to do whatever would get him out of this horrid situation.

Lucifer walked over to him and undid the tape and pulled the sock out of his mouth, letting it roll to the floor, wet with salivation.

“HEL--”

Lucifer smacked Thomas hard across the face, cutting his screech for help off prematurely and leaving him lay, stunned, on the bed.

“Did I say you could talk? If you do that again, I am going to start chopping things off.”

Thomas began to cry and squirm.

“And trust me. I like to start big.”

Lucifer slammed his fist down on Thomas’ crotch. He reeled in pain, yelping as he struggled to move his limbs.

Lucifer raised his eyebrows. “Well, I guess in your case it wouldn’t be big.”

Michael exploded with laughter. The noise actually startled Lucifer more than Thomas.

“He has a tiny penis, right? Women hate tiny penises.”

Michael put his hand up, wanting a hi-five from his brother. Lucifer rubbed his eyes, took about a second and half to permanently forget his brother’s lame attempt at humor, and turned back to Thomas, sighing.

“Eh, just ignore him. I’m sure your sister loves it.”

Lucifer bent over and pulled the scroll out of his bag.

“Now, I want you to tell me all about this and Lucifer’s Army, and I don’t want no bullshit.”

Lucifer pulled the tape from his mouth.

“Uhh I don’t know anything I swear. Please! Please!! Let me go, man. I have a family, I have

kids to take care of. I…”

Lucifer picked up the blade and stabbed Thomas deep in the thigh. He covered his mouth,

muffling his screams as the blood began to seep out, traveling down his leg in vines of red.

“Did I not make myself clear the first time? I told you I didn’t want any bullshit and I meant it.”

            Lucifer released his grasp on the weapon. “The next thing out of your mouth better be the meeting place of this little club.” With one quick motion, he lifted the tape once again.

“I don’t know anything about Lucifer’s Army…” Kleiffer gasped, eyes pleading.

Lucifer sighed, heavily, grabbing the knife and began twisting it slowly to the right, the blade still lodged in the man’s flesh.

“Turn up the TV, Mickey,” he ordered, sounding bored.

Thomas’s screams were muffled out by daytime television.

“You know, I normally like to take my time, but I honestly can’t stand you, so tell me what I want, before I end your pathetic existence altogether.”

“OK! Ok.”

The devil released his grip on the knife, prepared to take a step back.

“I don’t know anything.”

Pathetic. He groaned internally, reaching for the knife handle. This guy was really making him work for it.

“W-wait! But, but I know someone who does.”

“Oh?”

“I didn’t create that scroll. My father did.”

_There’s another one of these pricks?_

“Was he a member of the occult or something?” Michael inquired.

“No, no, nothing like that! He used to be a good man. He raised me well and everything was great until one night about 25 years ago.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. He came home from a business trip, and he was just…different. He didn’t seem to care about anything. He began drinking heavily. He started hitting my mother and me. It was like he lost his soul or something.”

Lucifer turned away from Thomas and slid over to his brother, dropping his voice to a whisper.

“Sounds like his dad was possessed or something. Definitely a demon.”

He turned back to Thomas.

“What happened next?”

He started staying out later and later. Working on something in his garage that I wasn’t allowed to see. Eventually he just stopped coming home. Whatever he was working on in there though, he took with him. That was about 20 years ago. I haven’t seen him since.”

“Any idea where he would be?”

“I don’t know.”

“You sure? Think a little harder.” Lucifer put his hand on the handle of the knife.

 “No! Stop! Please! The only place I know is a cabin out east. He used to take me there before he changed.”

“Creepy cabin in the woods inhabited by a devil worshipper. Sounds like fun. Got an address?”

Thomas mumbled the address out. Lucifer wrote the words down and stood.

“Well…”

Lucifer reached down and ripped the blade out of Thomas’ leg. He screamed out even louder than before.

“It’s been a pleasure, but I believe we will have to end our therapy session here.”

Lucifer raised the blade high and prepared to sink it into Thomas’s chest. As he reached back, his brother grabbed his arm.

“Wait brother, don’t kill him.”

“What? Why not?” Lucifer attempted to twist his arm free to no avail.

“He’s not that different from us. He had a shitty dad that left him and he is just trying to get by.”

“But he’s an annoying prick.”

“So are you,” Michael replied immediately.

Lucifer was taken aback at his brother’s bluntness.

Michael sighed. “But, I still love you, and you should spare him.”

Lucifer searched half-heartedly to come up with an argument but he could not. This guy wasn’t worth it anyway, he rationalized.

“Fine.”

He leaned over and got very close to Thomas’s face.

“If we let you go, are you gonna go squealing on us?”

Thomas shook his head no violently.

“Good boy. We are leaving now. After 15 minutes, I want you to start screaming just like you were before.”

Lucifer opened the window and turned the TV off. He grabbed the clock and set a timer for 15 minutes.

“When this thing goes off, start screaming.”

The two brothers left their victim. They jumped in their car and hit the road.

_Next stop, West Virginia._


	13. Measuring Tape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael need a little break from their hunting. They also have an impromptu "family reunion".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is an extra interesting chapter. Crossover with my good friend's story "The Denial Twist." Hope you enjoy. 
> 
> variola_in_c_major's story: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10648749/chapters/23562402.

“Holy fuck sticks. Are we there yet?”

Michael looked out the window and the nearest green highway sign then down at his map.

“According to this we are still in Indiana, still a few hours to go.”

Lucifer slammed his hands on the steering wheel in frustration.

“Fuck. At this rate the old guys gonna die of old age before we get there.”

The sun was beginning to set and the younger angels was losing his patience.

“Yeah, it is still gonna be a while Luci.”

Michael rubbed his eyes and folded up his map.

“Do you think we should stop somewhere for the night?”

Lucifer looked over at his brother.

“Yeah, but first I really fucking need a drink.”

Michael nodded and looked out the window.

“Here. Let’s stop here.”

Lucifer followed his brother’s gaze.

“Madison, Indiana huh? This better not be a dry county.”

Michael looked out the window

“Looks pretty wet to me.”

Lucifer didn’t respond to his brother’s remark. He took the exit towards Madison, going far too fast for an off ramp.

“Look out for a hotel and bar, Mickey.”

“Right.”

Lucifer and Michael rode around the quaint town before pulling into the parking lot of a seedy looking motel.

“Good enough for me. Besides, I don’t plan on doing much sleeping here.”

The boys got their room and headed out in search of cheap alcohol. After a few minutes they came found a small, hole in the wall place.

“I guess this will do.”

Lucifer looked the place over. It was small, one story. The lighting was dim and cool.

“Come on, Mickey. Let’s get shit faced.”

Michael smiled at his brother. He really liked alcohol but the reason he was smiling was his brother. It made him happy to see him happy, even superficially.

Lucifer and Michael sat at the dingy bar and order two beers.

“You have to start with the weaker stuff at first, Mickey. That way when you start downing shots, you can’t taste all of the shitty alcohol in them.”

“Makes sense to me.”

Lucifer took a swig of beer and put his hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“I feel so much better now that we are as far away from that little prick as possible.”

“Me too, Luci. Do you think he made it?”

“Yeah, well I think so. I haven’t ever really tortured a human before, at least not in such a personal way. If he is anything like an angel, or demon, he will be alright. Won’t be winning any marathons but he’ll be alright.”

Michael swallowed his beer and coughed.

“What’s a marathon?”

“It’s this really dumb human invention where they show off their impressive physiques by running really far, like 30 miles or something.”

“But why?”

“I assume to get laid or something.”

“That’s stupid.”

Before Lucifer could respond a beautiful Asian woman approached the bar. She spoke to the bartender like a college freshman, with glee and naivety.

“Speaking of getting laid, would you check out that tasty looking fortune cookie right there.”

“Fortune cookie?”

Lucifer grabbed Michael’s face and turned it towards the woman.

“Her, you dingus.”

Michael’s eyes met with the woman. His jaw physically dropped. She looked at him and smiled.

“Wow.”

Michael looked back at his brother.

“She’s HAWT!”

Lucifer’s mouth actually broke into a smile.

“I would correct you but you aren’t wrong, Mickey. Are you going to go talk to her?”

“Should I?”

“Fuck yes you should. Tasty little tart like that eye fucks you and you want to run away?”

“Well… I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, think fast cause she’s coming over here.”

“What?”

Michael turned back around, the woman was standing right behind him.

“Hello there.”

“Uhh.”

“How are you guys doing?”

“Uhh.”

Lucifer leaned forward and put on his trademark smile.

“We are doing great pretty lady. My name’s Luke and this is my brother Mike. What’s your name?”

“I’m Amber.”

“Amber, like the golden rock. How beaut…”

“You are so hawt.”

Lucifer was frozen, his charm completely shattered by his brother’s words.

Amber looked at him for a few moments before smiling.

“Aw thank you. No one has ever told me I was hawt before.”

Lucifer was completely dumbfounded by the event unfolding in front of him.

_This chick is like the female version of Michael. What the fuck?_

“I think you are really hawt too.”

“Heh thanks…”

“What’s the size of your penis?”

The conversation went silent for a few moments. Lucifer’s jaw was quite literally on the bar.

“I haven’t ever actually measured it.”

Michael turned to his brother.

“Hey do we have anything I can measure my penis with?”

Lucifer turned to look at his brother slowly, he expression unchanging. Michael turned back to Amber.

“I’m sure we can find something if you want to measure it sometime.”

Lucifer finally moved. His head slammed hard down on the bar.

“Sure, sounds like a good time. Let me tell my friends about you before we leave.”

“Alright, let me know.”

Amber turned and walked back to her table on the other side of the bar. Lucifer raised his head back off the bar and forcibly closed his own mouth.

“Mickey.”

“Yeah, Luci?”

“Marry that girl cause you ain’t finding another person in the whole universe that will be more perfect for you.”

“Aw thanks, Luci. I hope she enjoys my penis.”

“I’m sure she will. Let’s go meet her friends.”

“Right.”

Michael and Lucifer moved away from the bar.

“Amber.”

She waved him over, smiling as wide as before. She walked over and grabbed his arm, pulling him towards the table. Lucifer slowly walked behind him, trying to stay out of the spotlight for once. An idea popped into Lucifer’s head.

“I wonder if I have one.”

Lucifer reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom.

_Here goes nothing._

“Michael!”

Lucifer jumped forward and rammed the condom into Michael’s chest, trying to be as much of an ass as he could be. Michael almost dropped it before getting his bearings. He looked at the condom, winked at his brother, then put it in his back pocket. It appeared that Amber was oblivious to what just happened. The whole group was silent.

_Huh, thought I would at least get an awkward laugh or two._

Lucifer turned to Amber’s group, but he wasn’t at all expecting what he saw. Before him sat two people that he never thought he would see again. His younger brother Gabriel and Castiel sat before him. Gabriel looked incredibly tense. His eyes were locked onto Lucifer. Castiel was oblivious, his face was buried in his phone.

“Now fuck me silly. Gabriel? Castiel? How’s it going fellas? It feels like it’s been centuries since I last saw you.”

Gabriel was stunned silent, Castiel raised his head and took on the same expression as his shorter brother. Michael was now standing beside his brother, as tense as Castiel and Gabe.

_Fuck me isn’t this a surprise._


	14. Broken Down Lattice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting really awkward for the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been so long, hope you all enjoy.

Gabe, Cas, and Ambriel were like deer in the headlights. They stood before the two greatest, and fearsome, angels in existent. Satan himself and the prodigal son.

“You’re looking a lot less dead than the last time I saw you Gabe.”

Gabriel and Castiel were still frozen, the only part of their bodies movies were their eyes.

_Really Lucifer? You are going to come back just to crash my wedding?_

Gabe mustered up the will for a semi-sarcastic comeback

“It’s this new paleo diet I’ve been doing. It really has rejuvenated my wings.”

Michael scratched his head and pointed at Gabe.

“So, you are Gabriel?”

Gabriel looked at Cas then back to Michael.

“That’s what they call me.”

“It’s been quite some time little brother.”

Gabe’s eye twitched as a bead of sweat rolled down his cheek. He hated being patronized.

“It has. Haven’t seen you since you and Luci were bickering up a storm. How have you two been?”

Michael motioned to answer but Lucifer stopped him. He stepped forward and spoke for him.”

“We are doing just fine, _little_ brother.”

Gabriel’s eye twitched again, this time more intense. He could feel his teeth grind a little. Gabriel looked into Lucifer’s eyes.

_Why haven’t they started fighting yet? Usually these two are more than willing to take out a continent or two._

He peered deep in Lucifer’s eyes.

_Mm unless. They can’t fight._

Gabriel felt the feeling return to his face and the rest of his body. Gabriel looked over Michael and saw the same thing as he did with Lucifer. No grace.

Gabriel leaned over and squeezed Cas’ shoulder to make him relax.

“So how did you two get out of your little cell anyways, Luci?”

Lucifer felt a slight tingle in the back of his throat.

_Hmm. This is new. I’ve never seen Gabriel have this kind of confidence while talking to me._

Lucifer thought deeply and took a step back. He felt the hairs stand on the back of his neck when he realized, he knew.

_FUCK._

Lucifer breathed in and out slowly before giving Gabriel a sideways smile.

_Keep in cool, keep in cool Luci. He may not know yet._

“You know what? Maybe this will jog your memory a little.”

Gabriel raised his hands and gently snapped his fingers. At that moment all of the angels were whisked away towards heaven. Lucifer did his best to keep his composure.

_I’ve never experience flying without my grace before._

Lucifer opened his eyes to what appeared to be your average Earth cul de sac. They were in front of a simple looking home. Lattice supported the structure and a simple garden decorated the lawn. It was beautiful, in its simplicity, but something to be missing, all the people.

“Where are we Gabriel?”

Gabriel extended his arms outwards with bravado and exclaimed, “ _This_ is the place you two numbskulls screwed up for everyone else.”

Gabriel swung his arms from side to side and with it changed the world surrounding them. Everything lost its color and fell into ruin. All of the former beautiful flowers wilted away.

Lucifer looked at all decay and destruction. Normally he loved decay and destruction but this was the one place he didn’t, heaven.

_Wow, this place really has fallen._

Gabriel lowered his hands back to his side.

“Of course, you two won’t be ruining any more Sunday dinners, since you’re graceless.”

_SHIT. He knows. He knows. Fuck._

“Graceless? Come on brother you have to be kidding me. I broke free from Dad’s big scary cage to come all this way to apologize to you for the whole stabbing thing…”

Lucifer motioned a knife thrusting motioning with his hands.

“and this is what you do? You try to humiliate me in front of your little pals. You and both know Castiel might be naïve but he isn’t stupid enough to mess with me.”

Everyone went silent for a moment.

_Did he buy it?_

“I can see your twisted little soul, Luci. You’re not fooling anyone.”

Lucifer stepped back, the color and feeling left his face. Lucifer grinded his teeth in anger and stared his brother down.

Everyone stood tense and unsure of what was going to happen. Ambriel broke the silence in the way only she can.

“So, did I almost just bang the archangel Michael?”

Cas looked at her with sheer bewilderment. He managed to squeak out a weak, “yes.”

“And that fella right there is literally Satan?”

Lucifer bowed his head.

“The one and only.”

Before Ambriel could ask any more questions, Gabriel stepped forward.

“Well, brother dearest? Are you going to explain how you escaped or should we cut right to the part where I shiv your ass and leave you here to think of what you’ve done?”

“Gabriel”-Michael attempted to reason with his brother but he wasn’t in the mood. Gabriel gave him a glare and flicked his wrist, sending the eldest angel flying.

“Ah ah ah. I wasn’t talking to you.

Gabriel continued on his path towards Lucifer. He snapped his fingers and they were all suddenly in a parking lot.”

“But since you are here, let me just say, it’s _such_ a pleasure to see you again, Mikey! What was that you said to me the last time we met? Don’t bother coming home if you won’t pick a side and own up to my responsibilities?”

Michael attempted to speak but he was in too much pain.

“Well I have decided to finally take responsibility for my life and pick a side and I can tell you it isn’t with you.”

Gabriel turned from Michael and walked up to Lucifer. He stuck out his finger and Lucifer winched in anticipation of his wrath.

“And it definitely isn’t on his side.”

Gabriel appeared behind his younger siblings and put his arms around them.

“I am choosing their, and the Winchester’s, side. I am siding with humanity, just like Dad wanted us to.”

Lucifer attempted to make a snarky remark but was stopped when he felt an intense pain in his stomach. Gabriel strolled back over to him.

“How does giving birth feel like Luci? I hope you enjoy it.”

Gabriel turned away from his brother but stopped.

“Eh, for good measure.”

Gabriel turned and kicked Lucifer straight in the jaw, knocking him onto his side. Lucifer grumbled and spit blood. Gabriel turned back to his brother, kneeled down, grabbed his face by his cheeks, and looked him in the eyes.

“Does it hurt, Luci? Do you know what really hurts? DYING!”

Gabriel dropped his brother’s face back to the ground and began pacing.

“But the pain of dying was nothing compared to watching you two at each other throats and over what? Humanity? All Dad wanted was for you to love humanity and you couldn’t do it. Mark Smark your pride was too high for you to love so a homely and simple creature.”

Gabriel scratched his head.

“I understand you a little, brother. I tormented and tricked humans for a long time and I enjoyed every second of it. Hell, I screwed the Winchesters over a time or two.”

Many miles away, the song ‘Heat of the Moment’ plays over the radio and Sam Winchesters scrambles to change the channel.

“But your level of pride is beyond belief.”

Gabriel turned to both of his brothers.

“You two”- his wings began to flex and spread-“you ruined everything. Heaven, Earth, my life. Everything!”

The sky darkened and rain began pouring on them. Gabriel apparated an umbrella and handed it to his younger siblings.

Lucifer grinned through his pain.

“You’ll never understand Gabriel.”

In an instance Gabriel appeared in front of his elder brother.

“I may not, but you will.”

At that moment Gabriel, Lucifer, and Michael vanished from the parking lot.

_OH FUCK NOT AGAIN!!!_


	15. Platypus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel is about to lay the smack down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody. Sorry I haven't written a chapter in a while. This one is pretty long so I hope you enjoy. Forgive any headcannon lol.

The three archangels apparated in a familiar place. For the first time in a long time, they were alone.

“Fuck shit.”

Lucifer stumbled and bent over a rose bush, vomiting his stomach contents on the ground.

“Flying as a human fucking sucks.”

Michael ignored his brother’s nonsense and turned to Gabe.

“Where are we?”

“Not where brother, when.”

Lucifer looked up and saw a place that he hadn’t truly seen in a long time, home.

“What do you mean when?”

Lucifer straightened his posture and looked his younger brother in the eyes.

“Oh, don’t you recognize the beautiful scene I have laid in front of you. Take a closer look.”

Gabriel turned and gestured towards the front porch of the childhood home. The door swung open and a few familiar faces came rushing out. A much younger Lucifer, Gabriel, and Michael came out the door laughing. Gabriel appeared to be no older than 12, Lucifer and Michael looked 15 and 17 respectively.

“Holy shit.”

Gabriel raised his hand and silenced Lucifer.

“Listen.”

Young Gabriel flipped off the porch and made a perfect landing. He waved his hands and flowers sprouted out the ground.

“Watch me Luci. Watch me Mikey.”

Young Lucifer and Michael stopped and perched on the porch, attentively watching his brother.

Young Gabriel flicked his wrist and a beautiful birch tree shot out of the ground, startling a small bird. The bird came flying towards Young Gabriel and became tangled in his hair.

“Leave me alone you stupid bird!”

Young Michael and Lucifer chuckled at their brother. Young Lucifer flicked his wrist and the bird vanished. Young Gabriel rustled his hair and turned to his brothers.

“Where did it go?”

Bother Lucifers pointed to the lowest branch and said, “Safe and sound in his tree”.

Current Gabriel looked at his brother, then at his past self, then to the bird in the tree.

“You have to be careful little buddy.”

Young Lucifer flicked his wrist and a small bush appeared under Young Gabriel which caused him to jump and retreat up the stairs. He cowered behind his brother.

“Oh, it was just a bush.”

They all laughed and Young Lucifer patted his brother on the head.

“You are going to be a great angel someday.”

As Young Lucifer finished his thought he winced in pain. He grabbed his arm and rubbed it. The mark was glowing bright red.

“Are you OK little brother.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m alright. Let’s go, dad said he wanted to show us something.”

The three young angels turned and left.

“Ooh what did Dad make this time?”

“I don’t know, something called a dragon.”

They disappeared over the horizon.

The three current angels stood silent for several moments before Gabriel spoke.

“You showed me that even with all of our power we were still vulnerable. That I needed to be smart and quick. You taught me to be a good angel.”

Lucifer went to speak but his mouth wouldn’t work.

“Not yet Luci, I’m not finished yet.”

Gabriel snapped his fingers and they were gone. Moments later they reappeared by a beautiful, crisp, blue lake. Michael stood forward.

“I remember this place. We would go here to practice creating life.”

“Righto big bro. This was Dad’s testing ground for all of his creatures, even us.”

Lucifer went to speak but still was silent.

“I can’t do it.”

Young Gabriel came stomping out of the weeds, visually upset.

“I can’t make cool stuff like you and Luci.”

“You can do it little bro, you just need more practice. You have the power, you just need the confidence and imagination.”

Young Gabriel concentrated and waved his hands. A small blog of organic goo formed at his feet and quickly melted.

“Oh shoot, I almost had it. Why are animals so much harder than plants?”

“They are just a little different buddy, you just need some more practice.”

Hissing could be heard from behind them.

“Here, come watch Luci.”

Young Gabriel and Michael turned towards Young Lucifer. He was standing in an open piece of grass. He waved his hands all around him and snakes of all different species appeared. He waved his hands again and all but one vanished. This last snake, a cobra, came rushing over to him, hissing. He smirked, waved his hand, and eviscerated the snake, leaving nothing but a red spot on the ground.

Young Gabriel grimaced and turned to Young Michael.

“Why did he do that Mikey. It couldn’t hurt him?”

“Luci is just not feeling great Gabe.”

“Is he going to be OK?”

Young Michael looked at his brother. He was rubbing his arm.

“Yeah… he is going to be fine.”

The two young angels looked at each in silence for a few moments.

“I think I can do it.”

“Alright let’s see it.”

Young Gabriel concentrated, took a stance like Lucifer, and waved his hands side to side. Slowly a small furry creature began forming. After a few tense seconds it fully formed and began waddling around.

“I did it Mikey!”

“Uh.”

Young Michael scratched his head.

“What are you going to call it?”

“Platypus!”

“Platypus?”

“Yeah, Platypus.”

“Well, its name sure does suit it.”

Young Gabriel giggled and began spawning more of the strange creatures.

“Be careful, we don’t want them breeding like crazy or eating all the other creatures. We need a good balance.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Little Platy lays eggs and doesn’t each much.”

“Alright then. Well now that you have mastered this little guy let’s go for a swim.”

Young Gabriel and Michael jumped into the lake, swam out, and disappeared. Young Lucifer followed them in hot pursuit.

Current Gabriel turned back to his brothers. Michael had a proud look on his face. He almost looked like he was crying. Lucifer was holding his arm and looked uncomfortable.

“Michael, you taught me to believe in myself and to accept every creature for what it is.”

Michael nodded.

“And you Lucifer…”

Lucifer wouldn’t look at his brother.

“You taught me that even perfect beings like us, aren’t really perfect.”

“Gabriel I’m…”

Before Lucifer could finish his statement, they vanished again. They reappeared outside of a familiar room.

_Oh shit._

“I think you too know this room all too well.”

The three angels stood behind a 16-year-old Gabriel and observed.

“Come on Michael, just listen to me.”

“No! No! What you are saying is unthinkable.”

“I need you by my side. Together we can overthrow Dad and make things right again.”

“Lucifer, even if we could I can’t. What you are asking me is insane. We can’t go against our father.”

Young Michael walked away from his brother and rubbed his head, pacing.

“We can’t just follow him blindly anymore Michael. Do you really want to bow down to man? Those vile apes?”

Young Michael looked away from his brother and covered his mouth.

“Do you love Him brother?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course, I do.”

“If you truly love him then you will do what he says Luci.”

Young Lucifer turned towards the current angels.

“I can’t do that Michael. I can’t bow down to such an inferior creature.”

“Then I think you should leave.”

Young Lucifer turned back towards his brother.

“Should I?”

Young Michael stuck out his chest and starred his brother down.

“Yes, you should.”

“Make me.”

Young Michael flicked his wrist and Young Lucifer flew across the room. He stood up, brushed himself off, and brandished his archangel blade. His eyes and the mark glowed red, he gritted his teeth and charged at his brother.

“STOP!”

Young Lucifer and Michael dropped their blades and turned towards the doorway. Lucifer’s face changed from anger to confusion. His eyes faded back to normal.

“STOP FIGHTING! I can’t take this anymore.”

“Gabriel…”

“No more. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch you all kill each other.”

Young Gabriel stormed out of the room. Young Lucifer ran after him.

After they left the scene faded. The three current angles were back to the rose bushes. They stood in silence for what felt like forever. After several minutes, Gabriel spoke.

“I left not too long after that. I think you know the rest.”

“Gabriel… I’m sorry.”

Gabriel looked at Lucifer.

“Sorry? You are sorry?”

Lucifer nodded.

“You think that one lousy ass sorry is going fix this?! Going to give me family back, my life?!”

“Gabriel.”

“I think you too need to take a seat.”

Gabriel waved his hand and Lucifer and Michael slumped to the ground.

“You two both taught me that family means nothing. That the stupidest of squabbles can ruin everything. Lucifer, you taught me that pride is more important than anything, even happiness. And Michael, you taught me that I should just fight, or banish, all my problems instead of dealing with them. You both taught me so much.”

Gabriel paced back and forth.

“Gabriel that’s not…”

Gabriel turned to them and stomped his foot. The ground shook and the two angels fell to their hands and feet.

“DON’T YOU DARE SAY I AM OVEREACTING OR THAT WHAT I AM SAYING ISN’T 100% TRUE!”

Gabriel’s voice was cracking and tears began swelling up in his eyes.

“You built me up. Made me love you, admire you, worship you, only to crush me. You showed me that my perfect brothers were no better than those so called “vile” humans you love blabbing about.”

Lucifer and Michael were speechless.

Gabriel rubbed his face, a few tears ran down his cheek. He rubbed the tears from his face and he smiled.

“However, I have learned to love again.”

Lucifer and Gabriel looked up at their brother.

“Sam, Dean, Cas, and Ambriel have taught me to love, to trust, and to believe in people again. The Winchesters are some of the biggest fuck-ups ever created but those two love each other to a fault. Hell, they fought and beat you Luci, just to protect each other.”

Lucifer almost had a smirk on his face.

“Castiel and Ambriel have showed me what it truly means to be a brother again. They fixed those deep wounds that you two opened so many years ago. Because of them, I am going to spare you.”

Michael and Lucifer sat up.

“Not only am I going to spare you, I am going to forgive you, even though you don’t really deserve it.”

“Gabriel, I’m so sorry. I thought I was protecting you but now I see I was only protecting myself.”

“I know you are Michael and I know Lucifer is, even though he would never admit it.”

“I’m sorry…”

Gabriel paused, a small smile formed on his face.

“Well I be dammed. I never thought I would hear those words leave those devilish lips.”

“I really am. I never thought about what I was doing to you. I was only thinking about myself.”

Lucifer looked down at his arm.

“I know you are just saying that because you scared shitless but I’ll take it.”

The air surrounding the brothers seemed to clear and relax.

“Alright, I think it is about time for you two to return to your little quest of yours.”

Lucifer walked up to his brother.

“Do you have any idea what happened to us?”

Gabriel thought for a moment.

“Nope, but I am sure you guys will figure it out.”

Before Lucifer could speak Gabriel snapped his fingers and they were back in the bar. Lucifer looked all around but Gabriel and his friends were nowhere to be found. He came back over to Michael and sat down. They sat in silence and finished their drinks before leaving the bar.

_Gabriel…_


	16. Hand Lotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael finally arrive in West Virginia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been so long fam squad. Here is a nice little chapter that will hopefully be more light-hearted. Enjoy :)

The deflated angels had finally reached their destination; “Wild and Wonderful West Virginia.”

_This place is way too fucking green._

Lucifer tapped his brother on the shoulder and pointed at nearly broken sign. It read “Cheap and secluded log cabins. Only 50 dollars a night.”

“Sounds like it could be fun. Plus we need to stop driving. I think my ass is falling asleep.”

“Yeah, plus maybe it will have a hot tub.”

“Uh…”

Lucifer squinted and read the sign again. The sign made no mention of a hot tub.

“Like in the movie starring the John Cusack.”

Lucifer pulled the car off the interstate. The car came to a stop on the side of the road. He looked over at his brother.

“What are you talking about?”

“Hot Tub Time Machine.”

“When did you find the time to watch that?”

“You know I don’t _always_ watch porn.”

Lucifer nodded.

“Fair enough.”

Lucifer directed the car back onto the road and the boys were off towards their next home. After a few minutes they arrived.

“This place doesn’t look as nice as it did on the sign.”

Lucifer stepped out of the car.

“To be fair, that sign looked ancient. Who knows how long these cabins have been here.”

Lucifer scratched the back of his head.

“True, true.”

The two brothers walked up to a small grey building positioned in front of the cabins. Inside was a stout man with a thick black mustache.

“How may I help you boys.”

“We would like a cabin, Mr. Mustachio.”

The man gave a hearty laugh.

“You are our only current customers so you have the pick of the litter.”

“Give us the one farthest away from you.”

The man turned around and grabbed a key with the number 20 on it.

“Here you go boy. Also, I want you to know that you are in one of the most progressive parts of West Virginia so we are very accepting of all “kinds” of people.”

He looked at Lucifer then to Michael then back to Lucifer and raised his bushy eyebrows. Lucifer looked at his brother then slowly back to the man. He placed his hands on the counter, jaw slacked, and spoke.

“We are brothers you sicko.”

He snatched the keys from the man and hurried out the door. Michael gave the man a little wink and followed his brother. After they left the man muttered a single word under his breath.

“Kinky.”

Lucifer stomped his was back to the car. He flung the door open and shut behind him. Michael followed his brother purposely slow.

“Why do people think we are gay?”

“We are two moderately attractive guys that are always together, stay in a room together, an we don’t really look alike.”

“Yeah, I guess you are right.”

Lucifer started the car and they drove towards their cabin. After a few moments he stopped the car.

“What do you mean moderately attractive?”

“Well, your vessel is kind of old looking.”

Lucifer slammed on the breaks.

“Old? This vessel is barely 40. You are literally the oldest thing in the universe.”

“Yeah, but I’m inside of a cute 20 year old boy.”

A small smile stretched across his face. He turned to his brother.

“That actually might be the gayest thing ever and I've met Dean Winchester.”

“Dean's gay?”

“I'm not entirely sure but it wouldn't be the biggest _twist_ if he was in _denial_.”

With that odd exchange the brothers made their way to their cabin. After a few wrong turns and potholes they arrived.

“This place is more charming that I thought. Rustic and secluded, it should work well for a center of operation for the time being. Hey Michael can you grab our bags while I check out the inside.”

Michael nodded and Lucifer made his way inside. The lock was rusted but the key slid in easy enough. He entered slowly, avoiding the dust and cobwebs.

_Damn, this place hasn’t been used in a while._

He flipped the light switch on and took a few steps inside. The main room had a small, round, brown run in the center. It was positioned directly below the ceiling fan that hung overhead. He perused the bookshelves, looking for anything interesting.

_All garbage._

He entered the kitchen; a small room attached directly to the living room. He was hesitant to even call it a separate room. He flipped on the water as his brother walked in. Michael laid the bags down and joined his brother in the kitchen.

“Hey Luci, do you feel that?”

“What?”

“I don’t know, it just feels like something is here.”

“Angels, demons?”

“No, nothing that strong, evil, or self-righteous. It feels… kind.”

“This building feels kind to you? What does that even mean? Evil incarnate is standing in its kitchen. How could this house feel kind?”

“I don’t know, something about just feels comfortable.”

“If you say so.”

Lucifer grabbed his bag and walked towards the room he had decided to make his own. Before he could shut his door his brother spoke.”

“Hey Luci.”

Lucifer turned back to his brother.

“Do you really think you are evil incarnate?”

Lucifer was silent for a moment. He looked down at his feet, avoiding the concerned gaze of his brother.

“Everyone else does…”

He turned back slammed the door shut behind him, physically and metaphorically blocking his brother’s words out. Michael grabbed his things and went into his own room. Before he shut his door he walked over to Lucifer’s room and placed his ear against the door. He listened closely.

“I'm sorry Gabriel…”

Michael felt his eyes water up. He turned back and went into his room. After about an hour Lucifer emerged from his room. Gabriel quickly came out as well.

“What were you doing Luci?”

“I just needed a nap is all. What were you doing?”

“I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. So I played with my penis until you woke up.”

“You played with your dick for an entire hour straight?”

“Yeah.”

“How has your dick not fallen off yet?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure.”

Michael’s strange level of openness always made Lucifer feel better. Michael went to hug his brother but Lucifer stopped him.

“Hey, hey you go wash your hands you nasty fuck. I don’t want your junk all over me.”

Michael laughed but obliged he went into the kitchen. He wet his hands but found no soap.

“There isn’t any soap Luci.”

Lucifer walked into the kitchen and rifled through the drawers.

“Figures this place is empty. I guess we'll just have to go shopping. Do you have any paper?”

Michael handed his brother a pen and paper.

“Alright let’s come up with what we need. I don’t want a century in their and leave with a bunch of useless bullshit.”

Michael and Lucifer talked and Lucifer wrote down a few items including a memorable one.

“Hey Luci can we get hand lotion?”

Lucifer laid the pen down and looked up at his brother in disbelief.

“And what exactly do you need that for?”

“My hands get chapped.”

“When you are doing what?”

“Just normal stuff, like washing my hands.”

“Yeah, right.”

With that Lucifer and Michael finalized the list and headed out towards the closet store in search of food and supplies.

_That nasty little bastard._


	17. Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luci and Mickey run into a couple of troublemakers while shopping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody. Hope your lives are going well. I am doing my best to update more often. Enjoy some garbage from me to you.

“Where are we going again Luci?”

“This place called Aldi just up the street. According to the reviews they have just about everything we need and at a great price.”

Lucifer handed his brother his phone so that he could read the review. Michael squinted and gently scrolled down the web page.

“It says here that Aldi is super environmentally friendly too.”

“In that case I’m not going.”

“Oh come on Luci, you can’t be that evil.”

“No, I’m just kidding. Plus those prices make it worth it.”

Lucifer and Michael pulled into the parking lot of the Aldi. They exited their vehicle and made their way through the front door. As they were entering a familiar car pulled into the parking lot and parked beside them.

“Alright let’s stay focused. I don’t want to end up wandering this place forever. Let’s just get the things we have on the list and get out.”

“Yeah sounds good Luci.”

Michael and Lucifer walked up the first aisle. Tantalizing snacks littered the walls and tempted them with their low prices. Michael ran a few feet and grabbed a box of knock-off girl scout cookies and ran back to his brother.

“Can we get these Luci?”

“What did I literally just say about sticking to the list? Do you see cookies on our list?”

Lucifer pulled the grocery list from his pocket and handed it to his brother. Michael took the list from Lucifer and looked it over.

“No.”

Lucifer snatched the list out of Michael’s hand.

“Then we aren’t getting them.”

Michael slouched and slowly walked back towards the shelf. Lucifer sighed.

“Wait.”

Michael turned back towards his brother.

“We can get them but just one box.”

Michael perked back up.

“Yay!”

He ripped part of the shopping list out of Lucifer’s hand and ran off looking for more treats.

_ He is so weird. _

Lucifer strolled down the aisle looking for supplies.

_ Let’s see. We need drinks, non-perishable food, soap… _

“Come on Sammy.”

Lucifer’s ears perked up and he lost focus. He looked all around him.

_ No way. _

Lucifer quickly turned the corner and made his way back down aisle two, towards the front of the store. 

“Dean, why did you come again?”

_ No fucking way. _

Lucifer slouched down and peered through the cracks of the shelf. Sam and Dean Winchester were on the other side, bickering about something stupid.

“Because last time you got me cake!”

Lucifer almost couldn’t contain himself.

_ Really? I have all of this bullshit to deal with and now Sad and Dead Losechester has to walk into the same store as me? _

“What’s the big deal? Cake and pie are basically the same thing.”

Dean aggressively turned to his brother and stuck his hand in his face.

“Don’t you dare compare cake to pie. That’s like comparing Dad to Chuck.”

Sam thought for a moment before responding.

“Well…”

“Shut it.”

Sam and Dean ended their argument and continued their way up the aisle. 

_ Shit I need to find Michael. _

Lucifer sped walk in the opposite direction from Sam and Dean. He desperately searched for his brother before he found him at the front of the store.

“What are you doing?”

Michael looked up at his brother.

“I’m just looking at the plants. I thought they would liven up our house.”

“What? That’s stupid. We need to get out of here.”

“What do you mean Luci?”

Michael stood.

“Is everything OK?”

Lucifer was almost shaking.

“Yeah you could say that. It seems that…”

Before Lucifer could explain a similar voice was heard.

“Dean!”

Without seeing Lucifer knew what happened. He turned to see Sam and Dean Winchester standing in front of him. Sam had a look of pure fear on face, Dean a look of confusion.

“Hiya fellas.”

Lucifer threw on his best grin and waved at the Winchesters. 

“It’s… it’s…”

“Lucifer.”

Lucifer stretched out his arms and took a sarcastic bow.

“In the flesh, sorta.”

Michael was doing his best to not run in terror. He may not know much about the Winchesters but he did know one thing. They were trouble.

“What brings you two here?”

“Sam doesn’t know how to buy pie more importantly why are you here? How are you here? Why is the world still here?”

“Well, gents, if you have to know we sprung ourselves from my little cage.”

_ I really hope they buy this. _

Sam stammered out.

“What? How?!”

“Wouldn’t you like to know? You would be surprised what two archangels can do if we put our minds to it.”

Lucifer motioned to his head and pointed his temple. Michael awkwardly mimicked his brother’s motions. 

Dean took one step forward.

“Well why haven’t you two monsters destroyed half of the country yet?”

“Oh silly little Deanie Weenie. Michael and I have overcome our aggressions and are working on a “project” together.”

Sam’s forehead creased the way it does when he is concerned.

“What do you mean by “project”?”

“Something a little above your pay grade Sammy.”

Michael stepped forward with unusual confidence.

“Yeah, nothing you two assbutts could handle.”

Lucifer felt part of his love for his brother die at that moment.

_ Really Michael? _

Dean almost smiled at the sound of Assbutt. 

“So, you aren’t gonna kill us?”

“Nah, not really in the mood. Plus it’s not like you are a threat to us anyways.”

Dean pulled out an angel blade and aggressively moved towards Lucifer.

“I’ll show you a threat!”

Dean moved a few feet but was stopped. Lucifer stood in front of him arms spread, shoulder back, his eyes piercing into Dean’s. They almost had a red tint to them.

“I wouldn’t do that Dean.”

Dean didn’t know if he was stopped from fear or something else but he retreated.

“Come on Sammy, let’s get out of here.”

Sam and Dean ran out of the store, Sam never breaking eye contact with Lucifer. Lucifer didn’t move until he heard their car peeling away. He breathed in and fell to one knee. Michael ran over to his brother to comfort him.

“Are you alright Luci?”

Lucifer was breathing heavily.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. It felt like a small piece of my grace was coming back to me.”

“Yeah, I thought I could almost see your wings but they faded as soon as you collapsed.”

“So weird.”

Lucifer stood. He looked himself over.

“What is happening to us?”

“I don’t know Luci but I’m sure we will be alright. Just gotta stay focused. We will figure it out.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Lucifer stretched and cracked his neck.

“I’m starving. Let’s get our shit and get back home. I’m cooking tonight.”

“Sounds good.”

Lucifer and Michael grabbed the rest of their items and made their way back home.

_ I hope you are right Mickey.  _


	18. Finding Luci

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer remembers something he wished he could forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was painful to write but I still enjoyed it. Throwing the shade all around. Hope you guys enjoy. :)

Michael and Lucifer returned to their home after many heart racing moments.

“Honestly, that could have went way worse. I’m still not entirely sure what happened.”

“Yeah, me neither but you really looked cool.”

Lucifer was taken aback, his older brother actually thought he was cool?

“You think so?”

“Yeah, I know that we have seen about everything at this point but you were a total badass back there.”

Lucifer shifted in his seat. Though he was king of being a prideful ass he still didn’t feel comfortable taking compliments from his brother.

“Thanks Mickey.”

Lucifer shut off the engine and exited the vehicle. The boys grabbed their groceries, or at least as much as their mortal arms could carry.

“Bet I can carry more than you.”

Lucifer bent over and picked up 20 bags, 10 in each hand. He awkwardly waddled towards the door at max speed. Michael, not wanting to be upstaged, grabbed 22 bags, 11 in each hand. He walked even slower towards the door. Lucifer turned back to see his brother holding more bags than him and decided to return for more. He grabbed the five remaining bags and waddled back towards the door. He dropped the bags, and himself, to the floor. His face was red and sweaty but he had won.

“Wow Luci are you ok?”

Lucifer spread out on the floor exhausted, breathing hard unable to speak.

“Yeah… yeah I’m OK.”

Lucifer’s head fell back down, hitting the floor hard. He rubbed his head while shouting unholy things.

“Ow fuck.”

Michael helped to his feet and gave him a glass of water.

“I’m impressed Luci, you beat me fair and square.”

“Yeah, you are right. I never even had the thought to cheat at all.”

“Really?”

“Nah, if you had grabbed any more bags I was planning on kicking you.”

Lucifer snickered like an idiot as Michael unpacked the bags.

“Since you won I’ll unload the stuff.”

Lucifer wiped some sweat from his brow.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

He walked over to the middle of the room and laid down on the couch.

“I’m gonna take a nap, wake me when you are done.”

Michael gave his brother a thumbs up and Lucifer doze off. After a few moments Lucifer opened his eyes. It was dark and cold.

“Where in the hell am I?”

“Exactly.”

Lucifer jumped and turned towards the noise. A small figure was standing beside him. He went to walk towards it but was stopped.

“What is this?”

“It’s a cage my son.”

God stepped forward out of the shadows.

“Dad?”

“Yes, it is me my son.”

Lucifer rubbed his eyes.

“It’s really you.”

God stood motionless, staring deeply into his favorite son.

“What’s going on?”

God sighed.

“I am doing what must be done Lucifer.”

A streak of lighting crashed down and struck the ground a few feet from them. In that moment Lucifer could see the entirety of the cage around him. He grabbed the bars but they burned his skin. He attempted to fly but found himself rooted to the floor. He stuck out his hand and attempting to bend the metal with his magical might but nothing happened. He started banging on the bars.

“Why are you doing this?”

“You know why I must do this. You took the one thing I told you to love and twisted it with your hate, with your evil.”

Lucifer stepped back away from the bars. He dropped his head and thought of the monsters he had created. He looked back at his father.

“If I’m so bad for fucking up your precious little creations what does that mean about you?” 

His eyes turned red, tears running down face. He let out a gut wrenching roar. The cage shook gently. He screamed until he collapsed on the floor.

“You did this to me.”

God looked down on his fallen son.

“No, Lucifer.  _ You _ did this to you.”

God turned from his son and began walking away. Before he could get far Lucifer rose. He sat on his knees and grabbed the bars. He pressed his face into them and began speaking.

“You can’t lock up all of your fuck-ups in a box Dad.”

God stopped in his tracks. He turned to his broken child and looked deeply into his eyes. A small tear fell onto his cheek. He turned back and disappeared into the darkness. Lucifer sat in his cage, alone. As he contemplated what to do he heard a familiar voice calling his name.

“Luci!”

“Mickey?”

Lucifer sprung up off the couch and into Michael’s arms.

“Are you OK?”

“I uhh…”

“You were screaming out for Dad and crying.”

“I uhh… had a nightmare.”

“A nightmare?”

“Yeah, to um…”

Lucifer attempted to collect himself.

“To when I was first locked away in the cage.”

Michael grabbed his brother and held him tightly.

“It’s OK Luci, it was just a dream.”

A small tear ran down his face.

_ It may have been this time, but it didn’t use to be just a nightmare. _

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh, not really.”

Michael sat silent for a moment. Lucifer chuckled slightly.

“What is it?”

“You know, it’s actually kind of funny.”

“What is?”

“The prince of darkness, Satan himself having a nightmare. It’s ironic cause I am usually the one causing them.”

Michael laughed with his brother.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

After a few moments Lucifer spoke.

“Have you ever had a nightmare before?”

Michael thought for a moment.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I have had a few before.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I’m the big brother. It’s my job to make sure you are ok, not dump my burdens on you.”

Lucifer grinned.

“That’s really nice and all but is is really weird coming from a 20 year old boy. I mean at this point, since we are human, I am kinda the older brother.”

“Luci you can’t be offended about me calling you old and then claim to be older than me, that’s not fair.”

“Yeah, I guess you are right.”

Lucifer stood up and stretched.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

Michael sprung up out of his seat,

“Hell yes.”

He ran over and started digging through his DVDs.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Eh, something funny and pleasant would be good.”

Michael stood and handed his brother a case marked “Finding Nemo”.

“What’s this about?”

“It’s about a father that chases after and rescues his son.”

“Wow, a dad actually doing his job as a father is refreshing.”

Michael and Lucifer laughed at their shared pain and sat down for the movie. Lucifer made some popcorn while Michael poured some drinks. They sat and watched the movie, enjoying every moment in it. After the movie was finished the two brothers went to their rooms and went to sleep for the night.

_ I love you, Mickey. _


	19. Heat Of The Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael are hot on the trail of Thomas The Creep Engine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody, decided to actually get some plot happening with this extra long chapter. Hope you all enjoy :)

Beep, beep, beep.

“Huh?”

Lucifer turned over in bed and grabbed the alarm clock sitting beside him.

_ What asshole set my alarm for 8 am? _

He shut off the alarm and sat up in bed. Lucifer stretched his arms, much like he used to stretch his wings, and rose out of bed. 

_ I still don’t understand how humans get used to waking up so early. _

Lucifer rubbed his eyes and yawned. He bent over and grabbed his ankles; the closer he got to his feet the more his bones began to crackle and pop like a delicious breakfast cereal. 

_ Fuck this body is old. _

After gaining his bearings Lucifer grabbed his shower caddy, a change of clothes, and hopped into the shower. The hot water ran down his face and rejuvenated his spirit. He was determined to get some real answers today.

_ Michael and I are hitting the town today. _

After a refreshing shower Lucifer stepped out, dried off, and got dressed. He looked into the mirror and saw two tired eyes looking back at him. He grabbed his comb and did his best to reign in his hair. Lucifer brushed his teeth and planned out his day.

_ We should head into town and ask the locals what they know about our guy. His son said he should be somewhere in this area but didn’t know exactly. _

Lucifer spit, wipe his mouth, and joined his brother in the living room.

“Make enough coffee for me Mickey.”

“Of course.”

Michael filled their pot all the way and fixed the coffee. He sat down on the couch beside his brother.

“So what’s the plan for today?”

“We need to get some answers today.”

Lucifer looked at the rustic wooden ceiling of their temporary home.

“It’s really dark in here with the lights off.”

He walked over to flip the switch. The lights came on, flickered for a few seconds, and settled.

_ Huh, must be shitty wiring or something. _

He returned to the couch to discuss his plans with his brother.

“I’m thinking we put on some suits and hit the town.”

“Ooh can I come up the names this time?”

“Uhh, sure.”

Michael thought long and hard, pacing the floor while scratching his head.

“I got it.”

“What were you thinking?”

Lucifer wasn’t sure that he wanted to know.

“Agents Huckleberry and Finn.”

“...”

Lucifer sat stoned face for what felt like years.

“That might be problematic.”

“Why’s that?”

“Don’t you think people will recognize the names?”

“What do you mean?”

“ _ Adventures of Huckleberry Finn _ ring any bells?”

“Uhh, don’t think so.”

“So you're telling me out of all the names that you could have thought of these are the ones you want us to go with?”

“Yeah. I think they sound awesome.”

“Okay.”

Lucifer paused for a moment.

“Probably won’t matter anyways. Not like anyone here ever reads anyways.”

Lucifer stood and stretch again. He rubbed his hands together and cracked his knuckles.

_ This is going to be a long day. _

“Alright, grab your suit and let’s head out.”

“Do you want your coffee in a travel mug?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

Lucifer and Michael continued to get ready. Michael poured his and Lucifer’s coffee into two black travel mugs. Before he closed the lid, he poured a little bit of sugar and creamer into Lucifer’s mug.

**_Hope Luci likes his coffee_ ** .

He sat the mugs on the coffee table went into his room. Lucifer stripped down to his undershirt and underwear. A cold breeze swept across his broad shoulder and caused him to shiver.

_ Brrr it’s cold in here _ .

He quickly slipped on his black dress pants and white dress shirt. As he buttoned the last button he heard a knock at the door. He opened to find his brother standing in front of him, naked other than a tie poorly tied around his neck. Lucifer shielded his eyes.

“Mickey, what the fuck?”

“Can you help me with my tie?”

“Can you put on clothes first?”

Michael looked down at his bare penis.

“Oh sorry.”

He quickly ran back into his room and threw on a pair of tighty whities. He returned, slightly less naked, and asked his brother again.

“Alright, let’s see.”

Lucifer began unraveling the rat’s nest wrapped around his brother’s neck.

“Jesus man, how did you even manage this?”

“I just started twisting and pulling.”

“Yeah I figured.”

He completely undid Michael’s work and repositioned the tie.

“Here like this.”

Lucifer slowly showed Michael how to properly position his tie, how to hold the ends, which way the tie goes, and how to loosen and tighten the knot.

“Alright, there you go.”

Michael looked at himself in the mirror. He fiddled with the knot for a few seconds and thanked his brother.

“Now go do that again, except this time put on a shirt first.”

Michael smiled and went back into room. Lucifer finished getting read and returned to the living room to wait on his brother. He found his coffee sitting on the table. He took a small sip of it.

_ Mmm yummy. _

Lucifer took another hot sip and sat on the couch. After a few more sips Michael came out of his room. His suit fit his form well and his hair was slicked back.

“Damn man, you clean up good.”

“Thanks Luci.”

“Alright, let’s do this.”

Michael and Lucifer hopped into their beat-up car and hit the road.

“We really should get some better wheels.”

Michael fiddled with the radio as Lucifer drove down the road. He searched but had difficulties finding anything that wasn’t static. He eventually stopped on a Christian Rock station.

“OOOOH HOLLLY LORD…”

Lucifer smacked the power button on the radio and slowed the car to a crawl.

“Seriously?”

Michael turned the radio back on and lowered the volume.

“What?”

“Christian Rock? You want to list to Christian Rock?”

“Well, nothing else is on.”

“I rather listen to you singing than this bullshit.”

Michael turned off the radio and sat in silence for a few moments. He thought about what exactly he would sing to his brother. 

“I got it!”

“Wha…”

“IT WAS THE HEEAAAATT OF THE MOMENT!”

“Oh sweet lord.”

After what seemed like an entire lifetime in the cage Lucifer and Michael arrived.

“Alright, this seems like a good place to park. Let’s start walking around and see what we can find out about Mr. Kleiffer.”

Michael and Lucifer exited their vehicle and began prowling the street for leads. 

“This little town is pretty empty.”

“Yeah, nobody around for miles it seems.”

Michael stopped.

“Wait a second, there are some people in that car over there.”

Lucifer looked around.

“What car?”

“The one smoking over there.”

Michael pointed at a small sedan sitting a block down the street. It was sitting outside of a small pizzeria. The vehicle had white smoke leaking from the windows, the doors, and every other nook and cranny. 

“Uh, I don’t know if that is a good idea.”

“Come on Luci, they might know something.”

Michael took off down the street towards the car at an impressive pace.

“Hold on.”

Lucifer took off after him. Michael stopped beside the driver side door and banged on the window. 

“FBI Agent Finn, open up.”

The occupants of the car jerk away and start freaking out. The driver attempted to fan the smoke away while and passengers all jumped out and started sprinting away. Lucifer reached his brother, panting heavily.

“Come on fellas, come back.”

The driver, now alone, attempted to escape. For some reason unknown he didn’t start his vehicle and drive away. Instead he frantically tried to open his door and get around Michael and Lucifer. Lucifer leaned on the door, blocking his exit.

“Calm down buddy. I’m Agent Huckleberry and this is Agent Fin. We just want you ask you some questions.”

“I don’t know nothing man.”

Lucifer rubbed his eyes.

“We aren’t interested in stealing your lettuce bro. We are just looking for someone.”

The man seemed to relax and cooperate.

“Wait, did you say Huckleberry and Fin? Like the book?”

Lucifer seemed uncomfortable.

“Yeah, our boss picks the codenames and he is a huge nerd.”

The man seemed to open up.

“I love that book man. It’s one of my favorites.”

“Great, so will you help us?”

“Who I snitchin on?”

“Do you know a fella named Thomas Kleiffer?”

The man pondered deeply for a few moments.

“Mmm, nope never heard of him.”

“How about him?”

Lucifer held up a picture of Thomas Kleiffer senior. The man was about 50 but looked closer to 65. Ragged grey hair down to his shoulder, a matching beard. You would think he was harmless until you looked into his eyes. They weren’t filled with anger, sadness, anything really. They were blank and looked directly into your soul. When Lucifer showed the stoner the picture he almost leaped out of his chair.

“Why the fuck are you looking for him?”

“He’s… well he’s involved in a little investigation of ours.”

“Yeah,  I can believe it.”

“So you seen him?”

“Yeah, that creepy guy lives about 20 miles outside of town. He lives out of an old farmhouse with his equally creepy friends.”

“Great, do you think you could give up better directions?”

“Well officer…”

“Agent.”

“Agent, I would love to but nobody goes down that way anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well have you seen the guy? Plus creepy shit is always going down out there. People go down there and don’t come back. You get what I’m laying down?”

“Yeah, I think I understand.”

Lucifer stood and turned to his brother to converse privately.

“What are you thinking Luci?”

“Definitely sounds like our man. Creepy bullshit, cult followers, no survivors. Sounds like a bunch of people trying to worship me.”

“What should we do next?”

“I say we bust in their and see what’s going on.”

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, last time we ran into these guys they almost sacrificed you to yourself.”

Lucifer thought for a moment.

“Oh right.”

“These guys seem way nastier than the last bunch we ran into and we don’t even have any weapons. We don’t know the layout of the house, the property, how to get there. We really know nothing.”

Lucifer pondered on this for a moment.

“Yeah, I guess you are right. We should probably create a battle plan or something.”

“Hell the last time we ran into them they kidnapped us.”

“Yeah, bunch of dicks.”

“We need to learn the history of this place, at least the last 25 years. Get some weapons and tools, stake the place out some, then storm the fort.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Lucifer leaned back down the the man in the car.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where a library and gunshop would be.”

The man thought for a few moments. He rubbed his greasy hands on his greasy face.

“Oh, well I don’t know about a library but there is a shop that sells all kinds of weapons about a mile up the street from here.”

“Wait, if you love books so much why haven’t you ever been to a library.”

The man laughed.

“I have no problems with library but I prefer to support my favorites authors directly.”

Lucifer perplexed expression gave away his inner thoughts.

_ What is up with guy? _

“Alright, well you’ve been a great help. Now move along.”

The man did not hesitate to take Lucifer’s advice. 

Lucifer and Michael walked back to their car.

“Alright, let’s get out of the suits, grab some food, and start planning. I think we should by weapon shop first but it's up to you Mickey.”

“That sounds good to me Luci. Can we get some ice cream while we are out?”

“How about we head to this Wendy’s up here and I will get you the biggest frosty they sell.”

“Sweet!”

Lucifer and Michael drove towards their delicious treats. Lucifer looked over at his brother and saw that something seemed to be bothering him.

“What’s up Mickey?”

“I’ve been thinking.”

“What about?”

“Why did that guy not just drive away. Why did he try and run away from his car?”

Lucifer grinned.

“Because he was high off his ass.”

Michael laughed.

“He was such an idiot.”

“Yeah, that will probably be  _ the last high _ that he has for a while.”

“True.”

Lucifer and Michael parked and entered the Wendy’s, ready for some well earned food.

_ What a weirdo. _


	20. Icecream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael has to step up big and does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody. This chapter was fun to write and give Michael some more of the action. You all are way to kind btw. Thank you so much for the support. Hope you enjoy. :)

Lucifer emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered and feeling good. He always showered in lukewarm water. It reminded him of Heaven, of home. He quickly made his way into his room and shut the door. He did not like the icy feel on his skin after a shower. Reminded him of the icy cold feeling of the cage. He detoweled and began drying his skin. He ran the towel through his not so luscious hair and thought of Sam. 

_ It’s not right that Sam’s hair is so perfect.  _

He dried the remainder of his body and put on a casual outfit. He no longer needed his suit. He heard rustling coming from beyond his door. He opened his door a crack and peeped out. He saw that his brother had knocked a painting off the wall and was desperately trying to replace it. Everytime he placed the painting it would droop slightly off level. A small smile washed over Lucifer’s face.

_ What an idiot. _

Lucifer closed the door. He turned and slammed his foot into the frame of the bed. An inhuman sound shot out of his mouth as he bounced around the room, clenching his right foot. 

“Are you OK Luci?”

Lucifer didn’t respond. He was too busy trying not to scream; his foot felt like it was on fire.

“Luci?”

_ Dad dammit! _

“I’m OK.”

Lucifer sat on his bed and rested his foot. The fire seemed to subside but he wasn’t sure. He bent over and gent pushed on his large toe. An intense pain shot up his foot and into his leg.

“Fuck!”

“I’m coming in.”

Michael busted into the room and ran to Lucifer’s aid. He knelt down and grabbed his foot. Lucifer winced in pain and almost kicked him.

“Ow, ow, ow.”

“What did you do?”

“I hit my foot on the bed frame.”

Michael looked intently at the injury. He gently moved his hand all around Lucifer’s foot. Each time Lucifer complained, and he complained a lot, Michael took note of the location and intensity.

“We need to get you to a doctor.”

Lucifer attempted to stand in protest.

“Nope, not gonna happen. We have too many important things to do.”

Lucifer placed his right foot on the ground.

“See?”

Lucifer attempted to shift his weight onto his right foot. He placed his foot down and nearly fell, only being saved by Michael.

“Yeah, I see you crying in pain.”

Lucifer wiped a tear from his eye.

“I’m not crying.”

Michael helped his brother to his feet.

“We are getting you some help.”

Lucifer fought but eventually gave up. When it came to his little brother’s safety Michael pulled no punches. Michael loaded Lucifer into the passenger seat and started the car.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don’t know how to drive.”

“Neither did you but you managed.”

Lucifer pondered on that statement for a moment.

“Fair enough.”

Michael eased the vehicle out of the driveway and onto the highway. They were headed towards a small clinic down the street that they had passed earlier. Michael’s driving caused Lucifer to fling around in the seat, smacking his foot hard on the inside of the car.

“Fuck!”

“Sorry, sorry.”

Michael slowed down and got the car under control. After a few minutes of Lucifer’s bitching the arrived.

“Well, here we are. Hope they can help.”

“Maybe they will just put me down like the animal I am.”

Lucifer seemed to be in a particular depressed mood.

**_Does he really think that?_ **

“Come on Luci.”

Michael parked as close to the doors as he could and helped his brother inside. He sat Lucifer down in a chair and went to the front desk.

“How can I help you young man?”

“My you… older brother hurt his foot really bad this morning and we need someone to take a look at it.”

“Alright, fill out this form.”

The lady handed Michael a bundle of forms, 20 in total, double sided. Michael sat beside his brother and began filling out the form.

“What’s your middle name?”

“What?”

Michael pointed to the paper.

“Oh, umm. Put down ‘Lucifer Morning Star’ as my name.”

“Really?”

Michael gave his brother a funny look.

“Yeah, what?”

“Nothing.”

Lucifer grumbled as Michael continued filling out the form.

“What’s your blood type?”

“A, for angel.”

“Alright, A for asshole it is.”

Lucifer scoffed at his brother but Michael paid him no attention.

“You think you can fill out your sexual history?”

“I don’t have any.”

Michael put down the paper and pen.

“You don’t have any sexual history? Satan can’t even get laid?”

“Well, I have been in the cage since the beginning of time.”

Lucifer turned away from his brother and spied an older lady gacking at Lucifer.

“What’s the matter lady?”

The woman averted her eyes.

“Damn straight.”

“Alright, well I now know why you have no sexual history.”

“Oh, real funny bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Lucifer grabbed a magazine and attempted to ignore his brother. Michael finished filling out the paperwork and returned it to the woman. After waiting in silence for half an hour they were called back. 

“Let’s take a look at that foot Mr. Star.”

The doctor took Lucifer’s foot in his hand. He gently felt around the bones, attempting to cause Lucifer as little pain as possible. 

“Definitely a break, just gotta see how bad.”

A nurse took Lucifer back to get an X-ray while Michael waited in the main lobby. He got bored waiting and decided to hang outside.

“I can see why Lucifer likes this place so much.”

Michael bent down and plucked a single flower of the ground. He twisted it in his fingers and enjoyed the vibrant colors. He released the flower and watched it gently float away. The flower floated past a familiar face.

“Wait a second.”

Michael pulled a picture out of his pocket.

“Hello there Mr. Kleiffer.”

A strangely looking man entered a small vehicle. 

“Need to get his plate number.”

Michael jotted down the number and ran back to the clinic.

“Oh, there you are.”

Lucifer was standing in the main lobby, sporting a red cast on his right foot.

“Luci.”

“Hey man, doc says I have a hairline fracture on my right pinky toe. He gave me this cool cast. You wanna sign it?”

“Yeah, sure but first I got something.”

“What is it?”

Michael handed his brother the number.

“What’s this?”

The license plate number of Mr. Kleiffer.”

“Holy shit dude, where did you get this?”

“Just watched him leave.”

“And you are sure it was him?”

“No one else looks like that man.”

“Fair enough. This is great man. With that we can look him up and gets some more info.”

Lucifer high fived his brother.

“Before that though, I think we need some ice cream.”

“Sounds great.”

Lucifer and Michael enjoyed some delicious ice cream and began formulating their next move. 

_ Thomas, here we come. _


	21. Cancer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer and Michael finally meet the the main man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been so long friends. Life been weird but here is some good pain and plot to make it all better. Hope you enjoy :)

Lucifer opened his eyes and say his eternal prison once again, the cage. He could feel his immortal bones shake as he grabbed the bars. It no longer hurt to touch them, at least in comparison to the emotional pain he had endured do to his Father and brother. No one had visiting him in years, decades, centuries. The former sociable angel had become a broken down mess of a primordial being. The last words that Michael ever said to him still ringed in his ears.

“You are a cancer that must be cut out before you ruin everything.”

No matter what he did the words wouldn’t leave him.

_ Cancer. _

Lucifer slammed his head into the bars.

_ Cancer! _

“Stop it!”

_ CANCER. _

“Get out of my head!!!”

“Lucifer.”

Lucifer sprung up off the couch, his older brother Michael was standing in front of him.

“You ready?”

Lucifer looked around dazed and confused.

“Huh?”

“Are you ready to find this guy and get some answers?”

“Uh… yeah.”

Michael leaned down and starred his brother in the eyes.

“You OK?”

Lucifer turned away to avoid his glare.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Michael scratched his head, shrugged, and continued getting ready. Lucifer peered out the window; the sun was just seeing over the horizon. 

_ Earth was always so beautiful. _

“Hey Luci!”

Lucifer turned towards his brother. Michael tossed him a machete.

“Get ready man, we are heading out in 10 minutes.”

Lucifer nodded and finished getting the ready. The wingless angels both donned pitch black clothing and anything they could muster up as weapons. Lucifer paused for a moment.

“Does any of this feel weird to you?”

Michael dropped a knife into his bag.

“What do you mean?”

“Us heading so gung-ho into this. To this weird cult?”

“No, why do you say that?”

“Why should we care? Hell, I don’t really care but I feel compelled to seek them out for some reason. Like I am connected to them somehow.”

Michael thought for a few moments.

“Well, they are a cult devoted to worshipping you.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s it.”

“Plus, they are the only thing resembling a lead into why we are human that doesn’t involve wings or black smoke. Two things that could easily kill us at the moment.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Michael continued to put things into his bag.

“What do we do if they are just a bunch of kooks with no answers?”

Michael lowered his brow and looked at his brother.

“I don’t know Luci, but we will figure it out.”

Lucifer nodded and continued packing. They loaded up their little car and headed out. After a few minutes of driving, and a few wrong turns, they arrived. They parked their junky little car and surveyed this situation.

“Wow look at those farmhands.”

A few gigantic men patrolled the grounds. They all wore beat up overalls and were six foot five and taller. Lucifer didn’t hear the words coming out of Michael’s mouth.

_ Cancer _ .

“That guy is an absolute unit!”

Lucifer’s eyes refocused. He slowly turned his head towards Michael.

“What did you just say?”

“Absolute unit?”

“What is that even supposed to mean?”

“Well that guy is giant, he is a big boy.”

Lucifer continued to look at Michael.

“So he is an absolute unit.”

Lucifer turned away from his brother and silently shook his head.

“What?”

“You are something else Michael.”

A small smile formed on Lucifer’s face.

“Memes lose their meaning when you have to explain them grandpa.”

“YOU ARE LITERALLY THE OLDEST THING IN EXISTENCE.”

“Yeah, but you look older and that’s all that counts on Earth.

Lucifer shut his mouth and got out of the car.

_ Stupid little prick is right. _

Lucifer and Michael unloaded their gear from car.

“We should probably try and sneak in unless you want to deal with those… absolute units.”

Michaels eye’s light up. He raised his hand for a high-five. Lucifer just blankly stared at him.

“Oh come on Luci, don’t leave a brother hanging.”

Lucifer gently smacked Michael’s hand.

“You are such a dweeb.” 

They loaded their pockets with as much stuff as they could bring and started making their way towards the farmhouse. They crouched and frequently stopped in order to regroup and avoid the overgrown farmhands. After a few close calls they finally got to the farm house.

“Damn, this place is bigger than it looks.”

Lucifer gently opened the door and slid inside, his brother falling close behind.

“Jesus Christ.”

The inner walls of the house were littered with ancient markings of all different languages. Greek, Hebrew, Enochian, Latin, everything.

“Seems like they are desperately trying to ward themselves. It’s actually a good thing we are human.”

Michael covered his eyes and winced in pain.

“Whoa, you ok man?”

Michael stuck his hand out and breathed deeply.

“Yeah, I think the warding here is so strong that even as a human I can feel it.”

Lucifer felt a tingling in his bones.

“Yeah, I think I can feel it too.”

“There is an ancient evil here, we should probably hurry up.”

“You mean me?”

“Not as old as you but very old.”

“Hmm.”

Lucifer and Michael crept through the main hallways, taking care not to make any noise. The house seemed to be mostly empty.

“I wonder where everyone is?”

Just as Lucifer spoke loud shouting could be heard coming from behind a door at the end of the hallway.

“My best guess would be in there.”

Lucifer placed his ear against he door.

“Soon our dark lord shall return.”

“Sounds like we found the right place.”

Lucifer peered under the crack of the door. The room inside almost looked like a church. Pews were set up, full of people, and a single man stood at the front. 

_ Thomas Kleiffer _ .

“Doesn’t look like there is anyway to sneak in.”

“Then let there be light.”

Michael leaped into the door, feet first, and smashed it open. He and Lucifer stepped inside, all eyes on them.

“Really man?”

“What? I saw it in a movie.”

The room was completely silent. Every soul in the room was staring them down. Lucifer stepped up and spoke.

“Are you guys the people trying to resurrect Satan?”

Thomas spoke.

“Why yes son, we are bringing our savior back to this world to bring judgement on all non-believers.

Lucifer chuckled.

“Sounds like you were trying to get my Dad on the line.”

They all sat silent.

“In a weird way you succeeded fellas because here I am, Satan in the flesh.”

Thomas let out a large booming laugh, his followers joined him.

“Boy you aren’t Satan, you are just some fool we are going to sacrifice him to.”

Two large men appeared behind Lucifer and Michael and grabbed them. 

“Hold on a minute, Thomas.”

The roomed let out a collective gasp. Thomas turned to the darkness behind him and stood at attention. 

“Mistress?”

A beautiful asian woman in a leather jacket and black boots stepped out of the shadows. She gave Lucifer a gaze that pierced through his false confidence. He recognized that stare.

_ Dagon? _


	22. Family Reunion?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are Michael and Lucifer finally going to get some answers? Probably not the ones they want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody, I'm so sorry it has been so long since the last chapter. My new job has been crazy. Hope you enjoy this slightly longer chapter and I promise to write faster in the future. Enjoy :)

“Holy shit, Dagon?”

Dagon stepped closer to Lucifer and Michael. She looked them up down while chuckling.

“You aren’t looking so good fellas.”

Lucifer looked down at his feet then back to her.

“I’ve never felt better, how’ve you been?”

“It’s been good. Been leading these little humans towards their goal of resurrecting you actually.”

“Aw shucks, little old me.”

Lucifer hid his face in embarrassment. 

“You shouldn’t have.”

“You’re right. You shouldn’t have come back if you are going to be this pathetic.”

A small tingling sensations ran up Lucifer’s back, rage. He flared his nostrils and lunged forward but was stopped but the strong hands holding onto him. 

“I bet any one of these fools could take you down in your current state. In your prime you could rip the fabric of the university itself but now. Now you are nothing but a worm.”

The room laughed at Lucifer’s expense.

“And you, The Archangel Michael. You are even worse than him.”

Michael looked ashamed.

“At least he tried to stand up for himself. You are so high and mighty when you are invincible but you are nothing but a coward. A little boy longing for his daddy’s approval. You could do anything but you did nothing but complain. ‘When’s daddy coming back? Why did he leave us. I can’t do all this alone. I miss my brothers.’”

Lucifer’s ears peeked up and he looked at his Michael. He wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“You both are nothing but ants and ants deserve to be exterminated.”

Lucifer and Michael tried to free themselves but it was no use. 

“Honestly, you don’t even deserve the death I am about to give you. You deserve to be shot and left in a ditch.”

Dagon turned and began pacing around the the room. She looked back into the darkness.

“You can come out now.”

From the shadows came an middle aged man. He had a full gray beard, gray hair, and he was wearing fishing gear.

“Is this really necessary Dagon?”

“Holy mother of me, Ramiel? Is this a family reunion or what?”

In his hands was a large spear with a wooden handle. The enochian inscriptions began to glow as he came closer.

Michael lunged forward.

“My lance!!!”

“Oh come on man, even the narrator called it a spear.”

Michael ignored Lucifer’s comment.

“Where did you get that?”

“Ramiel enjoys collecting the old and interesting. I couldn’t pass on the chance of killing Michael with his own spear.”

Michael grumbled but didn’t move. 

“This beautiful weapon, designed by the Archangel Michael to kill Satan, is very powerful. It kills demons quickly and angels slowly. But you know that all too well I suppose.”

Dagon walked up to Michael and grabbed his by the face, forcing him to look at her.

“You hand-crafted this solely to make Lucifer suffer. You didn’t just want to kill him, you wanted to make him feel all the pain that he had caused. You have the power at your fingertips to end him but it wasn’t enough. You wanted to prolong it as long as you could.”

She drop his face and rose up.

“You angels think you are so much better than us but you aren’t. You are  _ worse _ than any demon. Demons were created by taking one of the purest and most powerful things in existence, a human soul, and torturing it until it breaks.”

“Dagon…”

“Quiet!”

Dagon waved her hand and Lucifer groaned in pain, following to the floor. 

“You brought all of this on yourself. You had everything, everything but you weren’t daddy’s favorite toy anymore so you had to destroy us.”

Dagon stomped her foot, causing the earth to rumble.

“I’m so…”

“You are sorry? Sorry? Really now you are sorry. Do you even know who I am?”

Michael raised his head.

“You are Dagon, Prince of hell.”

“Princess of hell and yes I am now but do you know who I was when I was a human?”

Lucifer thought for a moment but had no answer.

“I’m Eve!!”

The whole room looked confused.

“Yes, that Eve. I was the one that caused all of this. You tricked me eating that stupid apple. You ruined everything!”

“I’m…”

“And you know what, that’s not even the worse thing. After we fell, away from grace into this cesspool that we have now, I felt like God forgave me. He gave me a daughter. I got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl. But we can’t have nice things so she got sick, horribly sick. She was so cold, so close to death. I beg out to anyone that would listen to please, please end my babies suffering. God didn’t hear me, but you did.”

Lucifer kept his head low. 

“You said if I submitted my soul to you, you would save my daughter. I didn’t want to say yes but I did. The next day my daughter was fine. I thought I was being blessed, finally forgiven from my mistakes but I was wrong. Lilith, that she-witch of a demon came shortly after and took me. The last thing I saw with my eyes was my baby dying, she killed my daughter. You took everything from me.”

“Would you shut up.”

Dagon spun around and faced Ramiel. 

“What did you say?”

“You were always such a baby, sheesh. You complain about Lucifer doing it but complaining is all you ever do. You were Eve, big fucking woop. All you are is a dumbass. Who in the right mind does the one thing that God himself told you personally not to do. I know Lucifer has way with words but damn you didn’t make him work very hard.”

“Fuck you!”

Dagon leaped at Ramiel, she tackled him to the ground and kicked the spear away. They struggled on the ground. Their battle was fierce, the ground shook under the weight of their blows, beams of energy shot from their fists and they struck. They moved faster than human sight alone could see and teleported back and forth. The shockwaves from their blows made all the mortals quake and stumble. Dagon was getting the upper hand, landing several blows on Ramiel. Before she could finish him Rameil pushed Dagon as hard as he could.

“Michael now!”

With that Michael sprung up and ripped himself out of his captures claws. He grabbed his lance and sprung forward, stabbing the dazed Dagon straight through the chest. She began spasming, beams of light and fire shot out of her eyes and mouth as she let out an unholy scream and exploded, black smoke shooting out across the room. When the smoke settled Michael was left standing, holding his lance tightly. Dagon’s followers quickly sprung up and went on the attack but were stopped in their tracks by Ramiel.

“Oh please.”

Ramiel snapped his fingers and every living soul besides Lucifer and Michael exploded, flesh and blood rained down from the rafters. 

“Aw Jesus.”

Lucifer wiped off blood from his face. Michael grabbed someone’s finger out of his hair. He held it out to Lucifer.

“I’m giving you the finger, Luci.”

Lucifer just stared at his brother, completely dumbfounded. A small smile crept across his face.

“I hate you.”

“Love you too.”

The brothers turned their attention to Ramiel. He somehow was completely clean.

“Why did you help us?”

“Well, I have many reasons. One, you are kinda like my dad.”

“Uh…”

“And honestly you were a better father than the one I had as a human. Second, I am sick and tired of her annoying bullshit. Always whining and complaining. She was nothing but a loser trying to cast blame onto others. God himself told her not to do something but she did it anyways. Then she complains about her baby. Like come on lady, your baby was sick because it was the year 0, we didn’t exactly have Obamacare to save us. Plus you were a terrible mother, she was only sick because you couldn’t cook worth shit. And really, you get fooled by Satan, Satan himself, then you are just gonna trust him to help you. Like come one, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. She had no common sense.”

Lucifer and Michael continued to wipe bloody bits off themselves.

“And I really just want to fish and watch the universe end. I don’t give a fuck what you to do as long as you leave me alone.”

Lucifer nodded.

“Fair enough. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about our current situation?”

“Sorry boss, I don’t but I wish you the best of luck.”

“Tha…”

Ramiel disappeared along with the lance.”

“Well, what do we do now Luci?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. We followed our lead all the way to the end of the rainbow but all we got was a pot of shit.”

“I say we get cleaned up and shit faced and worry about this all tomorrow.”

“Mickey.”

“Yes, Luci?”

“I love you.”

“That’s gay.”

Lucifer punched his brother in the arm and hugged him. They carefully made their way back to their cabin, making sure to avoid people. They got themselves cleaned up and opened up the best bottle of bourbon then had. They began taking shots and savoring memories. 

“You.. rememmeber wheeenn Ieee stabbed that guy with a steak [hic] knife.”

“Yeah, he squealed like a bitch.”

They drank through the night and eventually passed out. 

Lucifer woke up to bright lights and a terrible hangover. His vision cleared and he was barely able to read the neon flashing sign above him. 

_ The Amaury Show?! _


	23. Amaury Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Lucifer get into some Gabe like antics on a weird TV Show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been so long everybody. I promise the closing chapters will be coming out much quicker than before. Hope you enjoy. PS. I wrote this at work, don't tell anyone tehee

Lucifer raised his hand to protect his eyes from all the bright lights.

_What the hell is this?_

Stage lights hung above them.

_This heat feels like the sun._

Lucifer turned to his brother in hopes that he would have an idea of what was happening. Michal simply shrugged his shoulders. After what felt like forever, a voice spoke over an intercom.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Amaury Show!!! Tonight we have two special guests, Lucifer and Michael, former Archangels, current dweebs.”

The crowd roared with laughter.

“Hey, cut it out.”

Michael stood up to defend their honor but an invisible force slammed him back into his chair. He slammed down hard with a loud thud.

“Ow!”

Lucifer tried to get to his brother but couldn’t move.

“Are you OK, Michael?”

“I think so.”

“Where are we?”

“You two are on the Amaury show, the universe’s favorite family fixing fiasco. You two have some issues you need to work through and tonight we are going to unbreak you.”

“Now wait a…”

Before Lucifer could finish his thought a zipper appeared across his mouth and zipped closed, forcing his mouth shut.

“Tonight, you are going to do some listening, little Luci.”

Lucifer was forced flat into his chair, pinned by an unseen being.

“We don’t have all night so let’s get this started with.”

A previously unseen being stepped out of the shadows. He looked like a mixture between Jerry Springer and Drew Carrey.

“Now Luci, are you going to play nice for me?”

Lucifer was shooting him daggers that looked like they could kill. Any other day they would have.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

The man sat in the seat opposite the boys. He straightened his tie and pulled out his note card.

“This one is for both of you: ‘What word comes to mind when someone asks about your father?’”

Neither of them said a word. The host smiled.

“How about you go first, Michael.”

“Righteous.”

The host rubbed his chin.

“Interesting, care to explain?”

“My Father always did his best to help his children. He never let their poor choices cloud his judgement or compromise his morals. He was a fair and kind but knew when to put his foot down.”

“Thank you for the essay, Michael. What do you have to say Lucifer?”

Lucifer attempted to speak but couldn’t do to his “muzzle”.

“Oh I forgot.”

The man swiped his hand and in a blink of an eye Lucifer’s mouth was free.”

“Go on.”

“Cruel.”

The host leaned back in his chair and folded his hands across his knee.

“Polar opposite of your brother, like always.”

Lucifer gave no response.

“Explain.”

“Our Dad”-Lucifer extended his hands outwards-“he is kind of a dick.”

“A dick you say, for giving birth to all of creation.”

“I am not really a fan of the idea of my Dad “giving birth”.”

The host sat forward in his chair and adjusted his shirt.

“You hate him because he gave you life?”

“No, it is much more complicated than that.”

The crowd sat quiet in anticipation.

“Well, no reason to leave the people waiting. Why exactly do you _hate_ your father?”

Lucifer sat in silence for a moment.

“I don’t…”

The entire crowd gasped.

“After all He did to you, you don’t hate him?”

“I feel many things towards my father: betrayal, sadness, frustration, but I do not hate him. He does make me angry but I do not hate him.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“I don’t care what you believe.”

“Humans define Satan as ‘apposing God’. You are the dark thing that goes bump in the night. The evil in man is your creation.”

“You’re right.”

“No he’s not!”

Michael stood up in protest for his brother.

“Lucifer is not evil.”

“Now, now Michael, let Lucifer fight his own battles.”

The host flicked his wrist and Michael slammed down hard, completely immobilizing him.

“Could you stop that, you stupid dick.”

The crowd gasped once more.

The host spoke to the crowd directly.

“Aren’t we living in a weird world when Satan is going around calling people dicks. That’s a little beyond the kettle calling the pot black.”

The crowd exploded with laughter. They were eating it all up.

The host turned back to Lucifer and Michael.

“Now that’s more like it, where was that fiery tongue a second ago?”

“You can piss on me, but leave Michael alone, he hasn’t done anything wrong.”

The host smirked.

“Now what has gotten into? You won’t stand up for yourself but you will for Michael? Where did the prideful Lucifer go?”

“He never left. I just found something besides myself to proud in.”

Lucifer turned and looked at his brother.

“I wouldn’t have gotten through this without him. I will not let you hurt him.”

Lucifer stood up straight and pushed his shoulders back.

“Is that so?”

The host stood up and stuck out his hand. He squeezed his fist tightly. Lucifer grimaced in pain as his insides were twisted. He held his ground.

“You… will…”

He spit blood out of his mouth.

“NOT HURT HIM!”

Lucifer slammed his foot down causing the ground to crack and the room to shake. The man was taken aback at his display of power.

“That is enough, Chuck.”

The host turned towards the darkness. A tall and beautiful woman stepped out of the shadows.

“We did this to help them, not hurt.”

“He needs to learn respect for his elders. For humanity.”

“ That’s enough.”

The woman waived her hand and slammed Chuck into the ground. His formed morphed to one of a short and unimposing man.

“Ow, that hurt.”

“Good.”

The lady turned her attention to Lucifer.

“Are you OK, Luci?”

Lucifer spit some blood on the floor.”

“Yeah, I’m OK.”

The woman’s face lit up.

“I’m so glad you are OK honey.”

Lucifer stretched his neck. Michael came running over to his brother.

“Are you sure you are OK?”

“Yeah, gonna take more than that… wait a second. Did you just call him Chuck?”

“Yes, the host of this stupid game show is my little brother, Chuck.”

“Holy crap, Dad?”

Chuck meekly waived at the two angels.

Michael’s eyes got wide.

“Did you say brother? As in you are the Darkness?”

The lady nodded.

Michael screamed and jumped into Lucifer’s arms.

“I prefer to go by Amara.”

_Amara, hmm._

“How did you escape your prison!?”

“Chuck let me out.”

Michael and Lucifer screamed out Chuck.

“WHAT?!”

“He felt bad about all that had happened. He said he needed my help orchestrating this all. You do know how dramatic he is.”

Lucifer nodded.

“What do you get out of this?”

Amara smiled wide.

“I get to see my son again.”

“Your son? Who is the poor bastard to have you as a mother?”

“You are, honey. Your my son.”

Lucifer face dropped.

“Heh, I’m your son.”

He turned away from the group, mumbling to himself. After a few steps he fainted.

“Oh shit, I knew this was going to happen. Come on Amara, you did have a better way to tell him?”

“Sorry.”

_MOM!?_

 


	24. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody. Our story is winding down with it's final chapter. Lucifer and Michael finally get the peace and rest they deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I hope you have enjoyed reading my story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Don't be sad that the journey is over though, who knows what might be in the future for our two feathery brothers. Plus we still have the epilogue to get through ;) Enjoy :)

“Wake up Luci.”

Lucifer scratched the back of his head. It was sore from his fall.

“Huh?”

“He’s awake.”

Lucifer sat up and looked around. He was still on the strange stage as before. He was surrounded by Michael, Amara, and Chuck.

“Are you alright honey?”

“What happened?”

“You fainted. After I told you I was your mother, you collapsed.”

“Huh I don’t…”

Lucifer looked directly at Amara.

“You’re my mother?”

“That’s right honey, I’m you mommy.”

Lucifer blinked his eyes a few times, trying to make them focus.

_This has to be some kind of nightmare._

“Wait a second. Does that mean that Michael isn’t my real brother?”

Michael was off to the side. He hadn’t said anything since Lucifer fainted.

“Well, technically you are cousins.”

Lucifer looked at Michael and smiled.

“I don’t care if Chuck isn’t my dad, Michael is still my brother.”

Michael turned to Lucifer with a huge grin on his face. He rushed over and squeezed him tightly.

“And you are mine.”

The two brothers embraced for a moment before Michael loosened his grip.

“So what are we going to do now?”

Chuck spoke.

“Now we are going on a little trip.”

Before Michael or Lucifer could move a muscle they were all transported far from their current location. When their heads stopped spinning they saw a familiar sight.

“The rose bushes; we’re home.”

Michael and Lucifer sprung up and ran over to admire the most perfect flowers ever created. Michael turned to Amara and Chuck.

“Why did you bring us to Heaven?”

Chuck and Amara spoke in unison.

“You both deserve to come home.”

Chuck spoke.

“You two have been through a lot so we thought you deserve to get some real rest for once.”

Amara spoke.

“After you two rest we will discuss what’s next.”

With that Michael and Lucifer got some much deserved rest. After a few hours they drug themselves out of their beds and looked for their parents.

“I wonder where they went.”

Lucifer and Michael searched around and eventually found them down by the old lake. Chuck and Amara were laughing and skipping rocks across the surface. Amara handed Lucifer and stone and Chuck did the same with Michael. The boys reared back and through their rocks in unison, skipping them all the way across the lake.

“Nice throw boys. Now I am sure you are curious about what comes next.”

Chuck attempted to continue talking but Amara stopped.

“Don’t you think it is time to return their powers to them?”

“I suppose you are right.”

Chuck snapped his fingers and Lucifer and Michael felt a surge of energy flow through them. Their majestic wings stretched out, blocking out the entire heavenly sky before folding back into a comfortable position. They shined brighter than the sun before returning to normal.

Michael gasped.

“Luci, your eyes!”

“What about them? Don’t tell me you already forgot that they glow.”

“No, not that, their color changed!”

Lucifer looked at himself in the water’s reflection. His eyes no longer shined dark red with hate. They were a beautiful, vibrant green. Lucifer felt a wave of emotions overtake him. He saw tears running down his face. Amara held it.

“You did it Luci, you overcame the evil influence of the Mark.”

The four eternal beings embraced in celebration of Lucifer’s achievement. After their family hug they discussed what would happen next.

“Chuck and I have been talking and it is a little much even for him to run the entire universe so we are going to split up the duties.”

Michael scratched his head.

“How is that going to work?”

“Well, we are going to split the leadership of Heaven, Hell, and Earth up. Gabe and Michael are going to run Heaven. I think those two will work well with each other.”

“I’m not so sure of that Dad. He didn’t seem very happy to see us last time.”

“He’ll come around. You two figured out how to live together. Give your brother some time and he will be alright.”

“What will I be doing Da…Uncle?”

Chuck laughed.

“It’s alright Lucifer. You and Amara will be running Hell. Got keep those little devils in line.”

“You think that is such a good idea, given my history?”

“You’ll be fine, plus Amara will be there to help out.”

“Let’s go see you kids.”

“My wha…?”

Before Lucifer could finish his thought Amara teleported them to the throne room of Hell.

“You really need to stop that.”

“Holy fuck, it’s Lucifer!”

A crowd of mesmerized demons surrounded the mother-son duo.

“That’s right bitches, daddy’s home and he’s ready for his dinner.”

Amara smiled wide.

“You are so cute when you are parenting.”

Lucifer turned and whispered to his mother.

“Stop it Mom, you are embarrassing me.”

She grinned and spoke to the demons.

“Hello everyone, it is so good to meet you all.”

The crowd was silent, only faint murmuring could be heard.

“Did he just say mom.”

“That’s right! This beautiful young woman right here is my mother, in the flesh so to speak. That means you will treat her with the same respect that you give me or there will be”- He flexed his muscles, and unfolded his magnificent wings-“dire consequences. Do you all understand me?”

They all got down on their knees before him, vowing their loyalty to him. Lucifer relaxed and took on a fatherly stance.

“Now this doesn’t all have to be all bad, kids. Just listen to pops and everything will be alright. Now head out and play and let the grownups discuss somethings.”

The demons filed out quickly. Once the two were alone Lucifer sighed deeply.

“Damn, being a dad is rough. Are you sure this is all gonna work out mom? Shouldn’t we be ridding the world of evil or whatever?”

“Luci, the world isn’t that simple son. It is ok to have some malice and “evil” in the world. We have to keep things in balance. That’s why it is ok to want to evaporate your children occasionally when they annoy you.”

“Wait, how did you…”

“A mother always knows. You don’t have to be perfect honey because you are as exactly as I imagined you when I made you.”

“Thanks, mom, it feels good to hear you say that. So what do we do now?”

“We are the new rulers of Hell so we can do whatever you want. You can switch up the punishments, set the torture schedule, whatever you want. We just have to help maintain the balance. Make sure the wicked get what’s coming to them. Gabriel and Michael will handle the rest of them.”

“Let’s go see what they are up to.”

Amara and Lucifer flew up the fiery steeps of Hell, past the great mountains of Earth, into the gentle breeze of Heaven. They met up with Michael and Gabe.

Lucifer grabbed Gabriel from behind and squeezed him tight. He lifted him off the ground and held him in a bear hug.

“I missed you little bro.”

“I…missed…you…ow you are hurting me.”

Lucifer dropped him to the ground.

“Sorry.”

“I missed you guys too. I’ve been doing some thinking since we last met and I think I am ready to try and be a family again. I have to admit, I kept tabs on you two idiots the past few months, making sure you didn’t get yourselves killed.”

“Aw you didn’t have to man.”

“Yeah, I did. You guys are terrible at being human.”

They all laughed and hugged each other.

“So what plans do you two have for Heaven?”

“Let’s head inside. We can discuss this over a drink.”

The four of them went inside their cabin. Michael excitedly told Lucifer about something he called a “boob cloud”. They were finally a family again.

_I love you guys._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody, hope you enjoy. Forgive any awful headcannon I use in this.


End file.
